Resentment rears its ugly head!

UGH! Why do I resent my husband sometimes? He's got too much work to do, doesn't get enough sleep, has health issues, problems with his life... and yet... he gets paid more than I do, makes his life look so easy, rarely complains, and is so awesome in so many ways. He's a gifted teacher, a wonderful father, a valued employee (I am not a VALUED employee where we work), and so much more... he's a wonderful husband.

A gap has formed in-between us. I think it started when I was pregnant, and it has grown. Our daughter is 4 now, and we finally got her sleeping in her own room, out of our bed. Yet one of us is still spending a portion of the night sleeping on the floor. So there is this gap. He stays up later than I do, he gets up earlier than I do, he is smarter than I am, has more in-person friends than I do.... this gap.

Yesterday I met him after work, like always since we carpool, and I just unleashed on him a tirade out of nowhere about how he doesn't spend enough time with his kid, and the yard is a mess, and on and on... and while some of it was true, he certainly didn't deserve it. After I'd spewed and run out of words I wanted to apologize. It's not the first time though, and maybe it won't be the last. I am terribly abusive sometimes, and I don't know why. So after the kid went to bed, and I had some time alone (he was in her room), I opened up my Al-Anon books and I read about a few things, and RESENTMENT seemed to be the sticking point. I don't know why I resent him so much, but I think I do. It's not his fault that he has such a perfect life and I feel so torn apart. His life really isn't perfect either, I know. It's just me perceiving things. UGH.

So I am trying, trying, trying to turn this over to my higher power, and figure out how to get out of this bad place. How to stop resenting my husband, who I love so dearly, and how to bridge the gap between us. The trust is still there, at least I trust him. I hope he trusts me. Communication is tough though. For some reason, it's hard for me to talk to him sometimes. I don't know why. Yesterday I wanted to throw out some ideas for a trip to Maine, but instead I unleashed on him about everything else. Why? Why? Why?

Anyway, I'm trying to turn it over. I know I'm powerless, but I need to change what I can and I'm trying to figure out how to do that. How can I be a better wife before I lose him completely.