Post #200 Visit to see mom is complete

On Thursday morning I put my daughter and I on an airplane and flew to Tampa, FL. We got a rental car and drove the 45 minutes to my mother's apartment building. She is living in an eight-story high-rise now. I can't even guess how many apartments are there.

Anyway we arrived in time for an early lunch, or brunch for us. Mom led us to a rundown strip mall to a "family" place that made me raise my eyebrows. Inside the owner was friendly, and breakfast was always on the menu. I was grateful for the coffee after the 3am wakeup for the trip. My daughter had brought her "sharing book" and caught grandma up on her life in the past year. It had been two years since we'd seen her so it was a good ice breaker.

After lunch we proceeded to a beach that was recommended. It was nice, on the Gulf of Mexico. I got my daughter changed into the bathing suit that I had packed in the carry-on luggage, and we had made sure my mother had clean beach towels waiting for us on arrival (I sent them as her birthday gift in March). I was too exhausted to swim, but my daughter got wet and mom did too. Collecting shells and enjoying the water, even as it sprinkled. My daughter had fun. That was the important thing.

Back in the car mom wanted us to meet her boyfriend. My daughter didn't want to. She's seven years old. This became an interesting situation. Where do you choose your battles? Whose boundaries are more important? I felt very conflicted. I wanted to be polite, and honor my mother's desire to share her life with us. However, I also know that the boyfriend is addicted to marijuana and painkillers. So I am not in any hurry to have him be an important part of my life. My daughter bailed us out. She fell asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant. I met the boyfriend in the parking lot, and passed my mother over him. I explained the early wake-up and the long plane ride, and said "maybe tomorrow". I left my mother with him to go to dinner, and I made the hour drive to my hotel. My daughter woke up just before I got us there.

We had some wonderful bonding unloading the luggage and getting our room ready. Then we walked in the rain to a nearby restaurant and sat on the covered patio listening to music, watching the rain, and looking out on the bay. It was a nice dinner. We found a small store to get some milk and snacks, and watched a couple of ducks waddling around randomly. Back in our room we saw a rainbow over the water and palm trees. It was a simple and beautiful night.

The next day we drove again to see my mother. We did the sightseeing we had planned to do. My mother used a bad word and I told her so. Another grandmother told her to watch it too. I was glad it didn't just come from me. Then mom tried to take us to a beach that was covered in crabs. It was close to her house but man... my daughter said "no way". I tried to be brave and power through it but eventually I had to agree. It was just not acceptable. So we got in the car, over mom's protests, and went back to the beach we had gone to the day before. This time I had my bathing suit and I swam in the salty water. The weather was nicer too so that helped.

Once again we were faced with the issue of The Boyfriend wanting to have dinner with us. This was really hard for me. I wanted to support both my mother and my daughter. Finally my mother decided that he probably wasn't feeling well enough (or maybe it was too late) or whatever.. but we didn't include him. We went to an IHOP just the three of us. It was near her apartment so it was a short ride home after it was over.

She didn't mention my weight. I didn't mention hers. We tried very hard not to fight. My daughter got to see her grandmother and share with her. They splashed water at each other, collected shells, and enjoyed a boat ride on a river. Hopefully a memory was made for both of them.

It was hard work, it was expensive, and it was a reminder that my mother is growing older and will die with the diseases I have known her to have. She is not getting better. She never will. She is who she is.

I'm having nightmares now. Nightmares of being disabled, poor, lost, and alone. Maybe nightmares of what it might feel like to be in her shoes. My subconscious knows something I don't. Something I can't articulate well. I am aware of this. I am grieving, coping, and hoping I am doing the right things.

There but for the grace of God go I.

Amen.

Trying to do "the right thing" but it's not working

I am trying to do the right thing with my mother, but it's not working. I set boundaries and I hold to them, but she's not living in the same reality as I am. When my grandmother died, she picked a fight with my brother. Now she's coming after me for Thanksgiving.
In the "try to do the right thing" department, I agreed we'd see her for Thanksgiving. My husband, daughter, and I cannot go to my mother's apartment though because of the cigarette smoke and the cat. I've told this to my mother many times. Likewise, I know my mom wouldn't be comfortable in our messy house, and would have difficulty with the stairs leading into the house. So I picked a neutral zone for the Thanksgiving meal. I found a restaurant and made a reservation for us. I told my mom we'd treat because I know it's out of her budget, and we'd give her a ride because she doesn't have a car. This seems like the "right thing" to do.
My mother isn't happy though. She wants to be in control, and she wants to cook us Thanksgiving at her apartment. This is not acceptable though as defined by our boundaries and she keeps pushing. On Friday night there was a message on my answering machine "The weather forecast looks bad. Are you sure you don't want me to cook? I really don't mind". I haven't called her back yet. The "weather forecast" is for a "chance of rain". It's not bad at all. If the weather forecast were for a snowstorm, we would either a)stay home or b)use our 4-wheel drive, pick her up and go. The worst miles of the trip are from our house to hers. Once we get to her house, the roads are easy, all state highways and good town roads etc. It's the 7 miles from our house to civilization that are the hazard. So there is no way to use the weather as an excuse.

I am prepared to let it go. We are doing our best, I am doing my best, to offer neutral ground. She can take it or leave it. I told my husband that if she cancels, I'd still like to go. I know we could cook Thanksgiving at our house for just the 3 of us, but I'm in the mood to go out. After our lunch, we'll stop by my father's house so my daughter can thank the chickens for all the eggs that they've been giving us lately. Sounds like a good plan to me.

I also realize that if Thanksgiving plans blow up, we might not see my mom for Christmas either. Seems strange to think that she'd be local and we wouldn't see her, but I've gotten used to it with my brother.

Deep breath. Let Go, Let God. No expectations. Live and Let Live. Only 3 more days.