Detachment

My mother called me yesterday morning, half-crying, half-whining. She had a fever and wasn't feeling well. She probably has the flu. She only got her flu shot about a week ago. I told her if she had a fever then it probably wasn't a cold, according to what my doctor told me anyway, but I'm not a doctor. If she's really sick, she should see someone more qualified than me. Anyway I think she was just depressed and lonely for the most part, but I couldn't talk long. The conversation went long enough for her to tell me she was living on burnt toast and yogurt.

Later when I went out grocery shopping, I picked up a few things for her. Nothing major, just soup and crackers, ice cream, ginger ale, kleenex, and a small daffodil. I figured if she really was feeling lousy then she probably wasn't getting out much, and this might cheer her up. I called as I was leaving the grocery store and told her I'd be by soon but couldn't stay.

I left my family in the car and brought the groceries in. I put the ice cream in the freezer and it barely fit. She was pretty well stocked up on food, and not in need of groceries at all. She looks lousy though. She's so thin. Maybe it was the white shirt making her look even more skinny, I don't know. She was pretty miserable, and I tried to say some kind words, but I couldn't stay. I've still got a cold myself, and I had groceries and family in the car.

After I left though I thought "Wow! I might never see her alive again. She looks like hell." Now I know that she will probably live to see many more days, but like so many people who don't take good care of themselves, she looks like she could die. I feel bad, and yet I don't. I'm at peace. I made my peace with myself a long time ago. I could let her go. I know it would be sad and all of that, but I didn't do this to her. She did it to herself. It's not my fault. So I hug her in my heart, and wonder when I'll get the call, and I go on with my life.

Been sick this week

I've been sick this week. The kid had a little cold last weekend, and it got worse instead of better as the days went on. By Sunday night we were both coughing. On Monday morning, a holiday, I dropped my husband off at work and took my daughter and I into the walk-in clinic. I signed us both up to be seen because I thought that would be easiest. She was actually asking to see the doctor, but she was hoping to see her regular doctor not just the one on-call. Anyway, I don't have strep, and we just have colds. I was getting worse as the week went on, but I think I've finally hit a turning point and am getting better. At least I hope so. We both stayed home on Tuesday, and my husband went off to work. He came home a little early and I got to leave the house to vote and check email. On Wednesday I forced my daughter to go back to school (after checking with the teachers), and I went back to work. I've had hardly any voice for a few days, but it's coming back. She is still coughing, but she's got plenty of energy so I'm pretty sure she is doing better than I am. Hopefully my husband won't get it as bad as he hasn't been around as much. He even went into work overnight Sunday night and dodged us for most of that time too. So I'm hopeful that he stayed busy enough to be safe from it.

Anyway, another weekend coming, and I'm still not 100%, but we've got things to do so I'm trying to pull it together, and trying to pull it together at work too. One Day At a Time.

It's been 20 years since my first Al-Anon meeting

Okay, well to be honest, I'm not sure of the exact date but I know it was 1990, and it was some time between January-May, and I'm leaning toward January side of things.

I was a college freshman, and had not been living at home for many years. I went to visit my mother, and my little brother (who is 9-10 years younger than I am). I didn't have a car, and I took a bus to get to her house. The plan was to stay over, and catch the bus back to my apartment in the morning. I ended up babysitting, and she came home drunk, and there was a fight. I got back to my apartment in a police car. My housemates tried to be helpful, but couldn't do much. I went to the health clinic to document my injuries in case I needed to press charges or something. I never did press charges. I was referred to a counselor, but she was busy and she told me to go to an Al-Anon meeting while I waited and I did.

Now I haven't been faithful about going to meetings over the years. As I have said before, I've been very off and on. Right now I'm not getting to the meetings, but I am reading the books, following the blogs, and trying to live the life.  I'm surprised it's been 20 years though. Wow.

Getting what we need when we need it

As I was saying yesterday I almost went to a meeting, but decided what I really needed to do was put my directions elsewhere. Today I saw that I had a comment from Garnet, and that led me to discover Garnet and read the profile- a doctor with some years of Alanon experience. It is interesting to read Garnet's blog and see the Alanon life applied to non-alcoholics. This happens to be where I am at now. I am not sure if I need to detach from my husband (with love) or not. I'm not sure if I should be treating him the way I treat an alcoholic. I'm very conflicted about this. However seeing Garnet's blog definitely made me feel less alone, and more grateful. Sometimes Alanon gives us exactly what we need. Thank you.

Link to Garnet's blog--   http://wisdomdifference.blogspot.com/

Let Go and Let God

The weekend didn't go exactly as planned. It started off okay, but on Sunday my husband wasn't feeling well. He had some medication, but he refused to take it. This led us to a trip to the emergency room. 5 hours later and he was finally released. No heart attack, probably an anxiety attack, and this isn't the first time. It wasn't easy to spend 5 hours with our daughter waiting for him, checking in hourly for an update. On Monday morning I was still feeling drained.
I decided not to go to work. I knew this would upset my husband though so I didn't tell him until after I had dropped him off at work and called myself in. I nearly made it to an Al-Anon meeting that I knew was happening at noon, but I was fearful. I was afraid that I would be so immersed in my non-Alanon crisis that it wouldn't be good for me to be at that meeting. I know that I need to be applying my Alanon tools to my husband's medical problems, but I wasn't sure how. I needed some advice. I decided that the best way to use my day would be to get caught up on the bills, the grocery shopping, and some other things that I needed to do for me. I needed to get some things off of my list. After stopping at the doctor's office I went to a cafe for a coffee and breakfast. I emailed my husband that I wasn't at work, and tried to relax for a little while. Unfortunately the news that I wasn't at work upset my husband a great deal, and I ended up having to pack up my computer and coffee and go outside to talk to him on the phone. More crisis. Stupid soap opera. In the end I did everything I could during the course of the day to help him and help myself. Then I picked up my daughter at preschool a little early, and read her some stories, and held her in my lap. When I came into work today I didn't explain my illness and I don't think anyone will pry. On Friday afternoon or Monday I may be ready to reveal more, but it's not over yet. I need to be patient and see what happens next. For now I am letting go and letting god. I did all that I could do on Sunday and Monday for my husband, my child, and myself. Now it is God's hands, the doctor's hands, and up to my husband himself. I can do no more.

Happy New Year!

Somehow I thought I'd already posted this week, but now I see I haven't. I'm still behind on things since Christmas. I'm behind on bills, thank you notes, and cleaning. I have piles of things to do but feel like I have no time to do them. It's pretty frustrating. I have time to sit at a computer and play games, but I can't get a chance to put a pen in my hand, or read a book. At night I hold my daughter while she sleeps because she always wants me to hold her tight. This means that the arm that I would write with is occupied, and while I can operate the mouse of my laptop or netbook next to my bed, I can't turn pages or write a check. I love my daughter though, and if this is what it takes for her to not have a nightmare, then that's what I do. I know I need to make more time for me though. The bills won't wait forever.

I am in a new workspace this week. There is more traffic by my desk, much less privacy, and definitely more noise. I am wearing headphones with music on to try to drown it out, but it doesn't work. I just end up feeling tired and frustrated at the end of the day. Today one of the drawers on my new desk was stuck and it took 6 of us to get it open.. the hero? My husband who came to my rescue. Sad that it had to be that way. I've got a nice view of a courtyard, and a garden (winter), but it's a different culture here and I'm still getting used to it.

My mother called me right after Christmas to complain and bitch, but I dodged and by the time I actually talked to her she seemed to be over it. Score one for not reacting every time she cries wolf.

The weekend will be busy, car repairs, a child's birthday party, time with the kid on Saturday night. Grocery shopping on Sunday I imagine. Anyway, just checking in again. I wish I had more time to read and write.