I'm back, and discovered "Prayer Girl" and more

I just discovered Prayer Girl's blog, and she quoted something I had just read in one of my Al-Anon books. She said :
"I pray for the tolerance and the wisdom to
avoid reacting to what other people say and do."
(From "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" , Sept. 15, p. 259)

This is perfect for me right now. I had to practice this last week with my family. As I said in my last post, my maternal grandmother passed away and I knew I'd be putting my Al-Anon tools to the test. I don't want to give you all an hour-by-hour rundown of my last week, but I will give you a highlight that I haven't shared with many.

My mother is still actively drinking, I'm pretty sure. My brother has his addictions too, not sure what they are, but I'm pretty sure they are there. So... the funeral was set for Friday. My brother and I were both to be pallbearers.

I worked on Tuesday, and spent all day on Wednesday with my mother. On Thursday I still hadn't purchased shoes so I told my mom I'd be over to her house as soon as I found some. I have big feet so this isn't an easy task. One saleslady told me I was a "specialty size" and she wasn't very nice about it. Anyway, it took a while, and traffic wasn't on my side. I finally got to my mom's apartment around 2pm. I left her at 4pm, to go get my daughter from preschool and my husband at work since we only have one car.

My mother told me that she wanted my brother at her house at 5pm on Thursday, not because she needed him there, but because she was afraid if he didn't show up that he would blow off the funeral on Friday morning. Sometime between 4pm and 6pm, my mother and my brother had a big fight. When I got home at 6pm, with my daughter and my husband, there was a message on my answering machine full of 4-letter words that I did not want my 3-year old to hear. I took the phone outside and called my mother back, and calmly told her that while it was okay to talk to me like that in private, it was not okay to leave that kind of message on the machine. She was already on fire, and didn't like the fact that I wasn't responding to the actual message itself. She told me that if my brother showed up at the funeral she would kill him. Then she said she just wouldn't go to the funeral herself, it would be better that way somehow. I stayed calm. I didn't call her back. I asked my husband for some guidance and he said "Let it sit. It's between the two of them." Of course he was right. So I didn't react. We made dinner, and did our stuff, and I waited for the phone to ring. It didn't. We stayed calm.

The next morning the three of us headed out for the funeral. We passed my mother's apartment on the way and knew she hadn't left yet. I wondered if she was coming, but I didn't stop to ask. We needed coffee and breakfast and I knew there would be a line at the Dunkin drive-thru when we got there. So we went on. We got to the funeral home before my mother did, but she did show up. My brother did not. People asked where he was, and I explained that my mother had fueled the fire and it was between them. Myself and 3 of my cousins carried the casket with the help of 2 men from the funeral home. I sat next to my mom during the funeral, but we didn't hold hands. We did what we needed to do. At the reception afterward, I visited with my relatives, and talked to my dad. My mother made the rounds too.

When I got home later in the afternoon I called my brother's father to see if he had heard anything, and he hadn't. I let him know that I was not mad at my brother for being absent, and I explained what I thought had happened. On Monday I sent my brother a note, and we had a few messages back and forth. I told him that I loved him always, and knew that he was just avoiding our toxic mother. I also told him that if he had shown up, he would not have been dragged away by the police or hurt one bit by our mother. I had his back, and so did everyone else. We are all familiar with my mother and her moods. He would not have had to deal with her alone.

I am sad my brother missed the funeral, and I do blame my mother for that. However, it's done and I have to let it go. I am proud of myself for defending him, and letting it be known that it wasn't him being irresponsible that caused his absence, but rather my mother's desire to try to control her 29 year old son who did not want to be controlled. I hope I used my tools well, and did the right thing. If not, I just have to let it go. It's done.

Rest in Peace Grandma. May Faith always be with me.