Practicing Detachment

Detachment is so key to my sanity, and when it comes to my mother I've had a hard time with it. When she moved to Florida it really helped me because I knew there was little I could do. I had to "Let Go and Let HP". I was worried that when she moved back north that I'd get sucked in again, and I know that I have to be very careful with boundaries or I will lose my sanity.

I have been doing quite well in the past 6-7 weeks since my mom came back. On Saturday my daughter and I saw my mother at a local event. In the course of the 2 hours that we visited, my mom mentioned she is probably legally blind in her right eye. She has cataracts and might need surgery. Before Al-Anon I would have been quite upset about this. "My mom is blind? Oh no! She shouldn't be driving that's for sure! Surgery? When? I better be there in case anything goes wrong." That would have been me the old-way. On Saturday though I stayed calm. "Mom I've been saying for years you shouldn't be driving". Of course I've been saying it because of all her DUIs, not because of her vision but I left that part out.

I have a firm boundary here. My mother will not be allowed to babysit my daughter, ever. The most I am going to let her watch my kid is any situation where I'd be okay leaving my daughter alone, or for very brief periods of time. I need to use the portapotty at the event, my mom can watch my daughter for the 2 minutes it takes me to go pee, but I'm going to pee fast! so later when my mom mentioned that my brother's ex-wife might let her babysit my nephew I did not panic. I did not feel guilt. I did not feel like "Oh Marie trusts my mom with her kid, I should trust her too." No way. I did not let this get to me. I am making a decision, with my husband's support, that is best for my family. Marie and my brother can do as they please.

There were other comments said during our visit too, but I kept my focus on myself and my daughter. I was determined to enjoy a beautiful summer day and I did not let my mother, my husband, or anyone else distract me from that. My daughter and I had a great day. Before Al-Anon it might not have worked out that way, but by practicing "Detachment" and "Live and Let Live" we had a wonderful visit.

Step 12 and this blog

Yesterday I was still meditating on my visits with my family over the weekend. How will those encounters translate to my blog? What do I want to say? I emailed a friend and she responded that I seemed more positive than she expected. At home I opened an old filing cabinet and found my "12 step" folder. Even though I had long ago gifted away my Al-Anon books and meditation tools, I did manage to keep several brochures and small items from my meetings many years ago. These were a delight to read as I remembered the words "Detachment" and "Just for Today". Many of the slogans, steps, and tools from Al-Anon have become a part of my life over the years. Very slowly I learned to begin living the life and detach from my mother and other toxic persons around me. This has not been an easy journey, and a lot of times I slipped, fell and cried. However I am a stronger person now than I was 10 years ago. It was probably about 8 years ago that I found Al-Anon and I've come a long way since then.

Step 12 says : "12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

This blog is a way of practicing that step. This is a way for me to carry my message to others, if anyone is listening. I may not always get the font right, or the format, but my words might inspire someone to practice these principles themselves and realize that the tools of Al-Anon and the 12 Step programs can bring sanity into focus. I hope that's what happens anyway. There is a lot to talk about, and I hope I can do it in a positive way that inspires others and lifts them in some way.

The Twelve Steps

Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

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from http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/steps.html

I think I still have some tweaking to do

I'm not pleased with the layout of this blog yet. I need to make the left column bigger and I don't know how. I also would like the links to show up differently under the "Resources". More work for later I guess.

I know this isn't my fault

My mom called yesterday. The usual message "I know you're working right now, so just call me back whenever you like..." translate to "Why haven't you called me lately? I'm your mother after all..." So we had an early supper, and I called her back while my husband was watching the kid. I mentioned that I'd seen her on her bicycle the day before and she kind of twisted it around a bit. She was riding toward her house when I saw her, but she claims she was leaving her house. Why can't she be honest about a little thing like that? I know where she lives, I know where I saw her. She was going toward her house, not away from it. Grr... the conversation continued. She is going to the eye doctor today. She never goes to the eye doctor, probably because her health care in Florida didn't cover it. She tried to go to the dentist. She only went to the dentist once while she was in Florida. Once in 8 years. Yeah, what do you think happened when she went up here? Well they are concerned about her being on Plavix and aren't sure if they can treat her. Plus she's allergic to pennicillin so they are nervous about that too. I think she needs a different dentist. She is hoping for new teeth. I don't think she'll get them. She's always had gum disease and you can't have dentures if your gums are bad. She's got an appointment next week for something else, maybe a pinched nerve. She's bored, doesn't have any friends, isn't volunteering anywhere, and is locked into this apartment for a year I guess. I knew this was a mistake. She's too far away from things to get to them easily, and she'll only drive my uncle's truck for medical appointments and to see my grandmother. So she says. I'm sure she's "combining trips" and doing her grocery shopping and other stuff along the way. We should all be grateful though. The less this woman is on the road, the better. She really shouldn't be driving.
We spent 20 minutes while she went on about all this stuff, and how rotten my brother is because she bought all the stuff for Mexican Pizzas and then he didn't show up and blah blah blah. I refused to commit to plans for the weekend, again. I know there is stuff going on, and I do have plans for myself, but I didn't tell her. I just said "We are going to wait and see because the kid needs to go to the doctor on Friday..."

I read "I'm just F.I.N.E." blog today, and I looked at the Al-Anon website. I'm glad for Syd. Happy anniversary! I didn't find much on Al-Anon site that I was looking for. I might have to dig a little deeper on the recovery websites, or maybe even go to a meeting sometime. I know no one is reading this now, maybe later, except maybe Arlene. I am going to try to keep this ad-free for now. My other blogs have ads on them, but somehow I don't think they belong here. Still need to do some work to make this blog better.

Give me strength, give me peace, give me serenity today and every day.

It's time!

My mother has just moved back to Massachusetts about 6 weeks ago, after living in Florida for 8 years. I saw her yesterday riding her bicycle, without a helmet, looking scared. I didn't stop. I didn't turn around, and I didn't call her later. It's her choice to ride that bicycle, and I have to remember that. She's got a scooter or a moped thing, and she's got a borrowed truck from her brother. She could drive if she choose. Riding the bike was her idea. Grant me the serenity.....

So here we are. Ready to start a new blog about this journey of a new chapter in my relationship with my mother.