My maternal grandmother passed away yesterday afternoon. My mother was the last family member to see her alive, and I was the first relative to get the news of the passing. My mom had left the nursing home just a couple of hours before my grandmother passed, and I arrived just a few minutes too late. It's going to be a difficult week.
My mother is really hard to be around for my husband and I, and of course she will be in the center of attention this week. It's going to be very hard for me dealing with her. The funeral isn't until Friday. I've made it through today (Tuesday) at work, but I've decided to take the rest of the week off to spend with my mother, and some time for myself. Friday will be long I'm sure.
My husband has been really great both in supporting me, and in keeping me grounded. This morning I was letting our daughter get away with too much, and he waited until she was at preschool before he reminded me of my parenting duties. I was cutting the kid way too much slack, and undermining his attempts at reigning her in. He was right, and I know it. He has also been there to listen, to hug, and to take the kid away from me so I could cry in peace. He's a good man, and I know that I have been blessed to have him in my life. He is proof to me that God listens, and grants miracles.
Don't expect any more posts this week as I grieve, but know that I will be putting all my Al-Anon resources to the test. I loved my grandmother a great deal, and was very close to her. Amen.
They say that death comes in threes. I've been informed that one of my mother's first-cousins is very ill, and not expected to last the week. I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall now, and wondering who the third one will be. Sad, but true.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
First Things First
A long weekend is ahead of us, but before I can get there, I still have an hour left at work. I have a "to do" list at work and at home, and it is nagging me. I have to keep reminding myself to just take things one step at a time, and do "first things first". It's going to be a challenge. Usually writing lists helps me with this, but so far I haven't had time to put things down on paper so most of it is still in my head. Phone calls to be made, bills to be paid, friends and relatives to visit... in the meantime, I have a pile of books to sort and process before the day is over.
The weekend does involve visits with both my parents, separately, a trend I am going to be faced with over the holidays as well. Scheduling things in a way that does not overwhelm my husband or my daughter is tricky since their thresholds are low. Patience from everybody will be key.
First the tape, then the lines, then take things one at a time, and with that my sanity will be restored.
Have a good weekend all! I might not post again until Tuesday.
The weekend does involve visits with both my parents, separately, a trend I am going to be faced with over the holidays as well. Scheduling things in a way that does not overwhelm my husband or my daughter is tricky since their thresholds are low. Patience from everybody will be key.
First the tape, then the lines, then take things one at a time, and with that my sanity will be restored.
Have a good weekend all! I might not post again until Tuesday.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I'm confused about this blog
Okay this isn't a really on-topic I admit. I'm wondering why this blog isn't showing up when I do searches. I think I have my settings set correctly, but for some reason it's invisible in Google Blog Search, and I'm not sure why. I want it to show up in searches for Al-Anon, ACOA, and recovery things, but it's not. Any clues?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
between sanity and insanity
This is a rough time for me. Yesterday I saw my grandmother, and all of that. Last night after we got the kid to bed, my husband told me he wasn't feeling well and was going to the doctor (at 9:30pm he was going to Urgent Care clinic). So off he went, with our only car. A while later he called me back and said he was being sent to a real hospital in an ambulance. I was POWERLESS. I was home, with a child, and no way to get to the hospital. Our car was at the doctor's office. So I asked his permission to call a friend of his. I couldn't quite let go, not yet.
His friend showed up at my door a while later, and I had to choose between panic & insanity and sanity and detachment. I hated to do it, but I choose the later one. My husband is not an addict, and I didn't really want to detach, but my gut told me that it would be a waste of my energy to wake a sleeping child, install a car seat in the dark, and go out. So I stayed home and sent the friend instead. Hours later, more phone calls, and the verdict that the hospital could find nothing wrong. So I finally went to bed. I woke as soon as my husband came home, at 2am. He's fine. I don't think this is the last time that this scenario will play out in my house though. It's certainly not the first time he has run off to the doctor's office late at night. So I have choices to make. I want to be compassionate, and I really do care, but having lived with an alcoholic who was always "dying" from one crisis to the next, I don't want to live that way in my marriage, and I don't want to raise my daughter on that roller coaster ride either.
I'm GRATEFUL that it was nothing serious. I think I handled the situation in a good way. I sent a friend, who was not burdened with a sleepy preschooler, to be by his side. The same friend who was at his side when other crisis's have occurred. I need help with coping with this in the future though. It's tough territory for me.
His friend showed up at my door a while later, and I had to choose between panic & insanity and sanity and detachment. I hated to do it, but I choose the later one. My husband is not an addict, and I didn't really want to detach, but my gut told me that it would be a waste of my energy to wake a sleeping child, install a car seat in the dark, and go out. So I stayed home and sent the friend instead. Hours later, more phone calls, and the verdict that the hospital could find nothing wrong. So I finally went to bed. I woke as soon as my husband came home, at 2am. He's fine. I don't think this is the last time that this scenario will play out in my house though. It's certainly not the first time he has run off to the doctor's office late at night. So I have choices to make. I want to be compassionate, and I really do care, but having lived with an alcoholic who was always "dying" from one crisis to the next, I don't want to live that way in my marriage, and I don't want to raise my daughter on that roller coaster ride either.
I'm GRATEFUL that it was nothing serious. I think I handled the situation in a good way. I sent a friend, who was not burdened with a sleepy preschooler, to be by his side. The same friend who was at his side when other crisis's have occurred. I need help with coping with this in the future though. It's tough territory for me.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
"I believe...."
There is a lot of talk in recovery programs about "believing". Believing in yourself, believing in a higher power or God, believing that you can make a difference... and if you don't believe, then some will tell you to pretend to believe until you really get it.
There is a lot of talk about "acceptance" too. It's the end of the day, and I'm still not sure where I want to go with today's post. Both of these words are weighing on me today.
I believe.... I believe that when I visited my grandmother today she was glad to see me, and she knew who I was. I believe that. I believe that she knows I really love her with all my heart, and wish I could do more for her.
I also know that when I asked her "Is this where you want to be?" and she said "No", that there were layers and layers of answers there, and I know in my heart some of the places where she would rather be.
And this is where acceptance comes in. She does not want to be in that nursing home, and she does not want to be parked in front of the nurses station for an hour before lunchtime after I leave. However, she accepts it. She would like her son and daughter to visit more often than they do, but she accepts their absence and their excuses. She does not know, and maybe does not care any more, that my mother has lied to her repeatedly and in fact, is not visiting her more often because she doesn't have a car.
This is where it gets hard for me. I suspect that my grandmother feels neglected by my mother. She did a lot for my mom over the years, and she is probably hurt and confused by the fact that even though my mom moved back up to Massachusetts 2 months ago, she's not visiting grandma every day. My mother, and my uncle too I guess, never told my grandmother about the DUI my mom got in Florida in October 2007. I think it was 2007, I might be wrong on that. Anyway, my grandmother does not know that the car she bought my mom got totaled and that my mom lost her license etc, etc. When my mom came to visit from Florida when my grandmother was ill once, she did it in between probation visits. My grandmother has no clue. They think she doesn't need to know, and it's not my job to tell her.
Still if she knew that stuff, if she knew that my mom's alcoholism had done this, and that my mom was now without a car, then she'd know why my mom doesn't visit every day.
If I was retired, and lived nearby, I'd visit my grandmother every day. I hate seeing her the way she is, and I know she is lonely. In some ways she reminds me of my daughter. People really do thrive better with some love and affection, and if grandma had some 1 on 1 love from my mom or my uncle, for more than just an hour or two here and there, I think she'd be less depressed.
I can't do it though myself, and she knows it and accepts it. I'm not retired. I have a young child, and a job, and my husband and I share a car. She and I both have to accept this. So today I tried to tell her with all my heart how much I love her, but really she'll never know. I've been mourning her declining health for years, and I can't do anything except that we all get older, and she's 91 years old now, and that's just the way it is.
"It is what it is." as some people say, and we don't have to like it, we just have to accept it.
And with that, I'll sign off until tomorrow.
There is a lot of talk about "acceptance" too. It's the end of the day, and I'm still not sure where I want to go with today's post. Both of these words are weighing on me today.
I believe.... I believe that when I visited my grandmother today she was glad to see me, and she knew who I was. I believe that. I believe that she knows I really love her with all my heart, and wish I could do more for her.
I also know that when I asked her "Is this where you want to be?" and she said "No", that there were layers and layers of answers there, and I know in my heart some of the places where she would rather be.
And this is where acceptance comes in. She does not want to be in that nursing home, and she does not want to be parked in front of the nurses station for an hour before lunchtime after I leave. However, she accepts it. She would like her son and daughter to visit more often than they do, but she accepts their absence and their excuses. She does not know, and maybe does not care any more, that my mother has lied to her repeatedly and in fact, is not visiting her more often because she doesn't have a car.
This is where it gets hard for me. I suspect that my grandmother feels neglected by my mother. She did a lot for my mom over the years, and she is probably hurt and confused by the fact that even though my mom moved back up to Massachusetts 2 months ago, she's not visiting grandma every day. My mother, and my uncle too I guess, never told my grandmother about the DUI my mom got in Florida in October 2007. I think it was 2007, I might be wrong on that. Anyway, my grandmother does not know that the car she bought my mom got totaled and that my mom lost her license etc, etc. When my mom came to visit from Florida when my grandmother was ill once, she did it in between probation visits. My grandmother has no clue. They think she doesn't need to know, and it's not my job to tell her.
Still if she knew that stuff, if she knew that my mom's alcoholism had done this, and that my mom was now without a car, then she'd know why my mom doesn't visit every day.
If I was retired, and lived nearby, I'd visit my grandmother every day. I hate seeing her the way she is, and I know she is lonely. In some ways she reminds me of my daughter. People really do thrive better with some love and affection, and if grandma had some 1 on 1 love from my mom or my uncle, for more than just an hour or two here and there, I think she'd be less depressed.
I can't do it though myself, and she knows it and accepts it. I'm not retired. I have a young child, and a job, and my husband and I share a car. She and I both have to accept this. So today I tried to tell her with all my heart how much I love her, but really she'll never know. I've been mourning her declining health for years, and I can't do anything except that we all get older, and she's 91 years old now, and that's just the way it is.
"It is what it is." as some people say, and we don't have to like it, we just have to accept it.
And with that, I'll sign off until tomorrow.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Step One- Admitted we were powerless....
"Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."
This seems like a good place to start for today. Many times when I think about this step, I stop at the comma. "I admitted I was powerless." Sometimes being powerless can be very freeing. I was wishing I was powerless yesterday. I told my husband "I wish I wasn't a grown-up. Being responsible, having opinions, and having to watch all this stuff happen is just so painful!" I am in a hard spot now with my family, I am powerless and I hate it. Seventeen years ago, I was powerless and I was good with it. The family gave me Responsibility though, and now I have Guilt.
I was 21 when my maternal grandfather died, and I was chosen to spend a week at their house, keeping an eye on my grandmother. They'd been married for 50 years. Not surprisingly, my grandmother didn't open up to me. I would wake in the middle of the night and find her playing solitaire at the kitchen table, just like always, and she was talking to my grandfather, just like always. I've always felt that I botched that week. She didn't reach out to me, no surprise, and she grieved my grandfather dearly. Now it's her turn soon. The nurse at the nursing home told me "She's fading." She's not in pain, and she's not sick, but she's slowing down. Sometime she'll fall asleep and that will be it I think.
What does this have to do with alcoholics? Because they are my maternal grandparents, that's what. I have to deal with my mom a lot right now, and she's just as toxic as ever. After a brief visit with my grandmother on Saturday, I went to my mother's house. My aunt and uncle were there (uncle is my mom's brother), and my brother was there with his youngest son. I'd never met the son before, and he just turned a year old. I was happy to meet him, but a quick look around the apartment told me very quickly that my mom and my brother have different ideas of parenting than I do. Anyway, my mom and my uncle were going through my grandmother's jewelry box, and I didn't think that was right. The box is personal, and she's still alive. Leave it alone!
I'm powerless. I'm just the grandchild. I have no say in this. It is their mother, not mine. Shut up, and be quiet and let it go.
I didn't stay long. My daughter was taking a nap in the car, and my husband was out there with her, with the engine running. I dropped some things off for the baby and left as quickly as possible, but not without feeling some pain.
The next day I talked to my mom on the phone, and told her I'd like her to keep the jewelry box as in tact as possible, and if she wanted, I'd pay her for it. I just want to keep it sacred, but I didn't tell her that. Then she switched the conversation to my brother. She asked me if I thought the baby was fat, and then she told me my brother had served time in jail. I'd never heard of him being in jail, in fact as far as I know he's in the National Guard Reserves, so I'd be quite surprised if he'd done jail time. I pressed her for details- when? what jail? for how long? how many times? She faded. I knew then she was lying. Same old, same old with her. I just can't trust her to tell me the truth. I am so powerless.
And then the last part, can't forget that...l "my life had become unmanageable". Indeed, my life feels very unmanageable when I'm around her, and I spent hours crying yesterday. Hours.
This is a hard time in my life. A week ago I was feeling up, but this week I'm down. I am turning to my HP, and even considered trying to go to church (but I don't think the stress it would bring to my marriage is worth it). I am praying though, and meditating, and focusing on the tools of Al-Anon. I am constantly reminded that whether I like it or not, my mother is still sick in so many ways, and I am still an adult child of an alcoholic.
This seems like a good place to start for today. Many times when I think about this step, I stop at the comma. "I admitted I was powerless." Sometimes being powerless can be very freeing. I was wishing I was powerless yesterday. I told my husband "I wish I wasn't a grown-up. Being responsible, having opinions, and having to watch all this stuff happen is just so painful!" I am in a hard spot now with my family, I am powerless and I hate it. Seventeen years ago, I was powerless and I was good with it. The family gave me Responsibility though, and now I have Guilt.
I was 21 when my maternal grandfather died, and I was chosen to spend a week at their house, keeping an eye on my grandmother. They'd been married for 50 years. Not surprisingly, my grandmother didn't open up to me. I would wake in the middle of the night and find her playing solitaire at the kitchen table, just like always, and she was talking to my grandfather, just like always. I've always felt that I botched that week. She didn't reach out to me, no surprise, and she grieved my grandfather dearly. Now it's her turn soon. The nurse at the nursing home told me "She's fading." She's not in pain, and she's not sick, but she's slowing down. Sometime she'll fall asleep and that will be it I think.
What does this have to do with alcoholics? Because they are my maternal grandparents, that's what. I have to deal with my mom a lot right now, and she's just as toxic as ever. After a brief visit with my grandmother on Saturday, I went to my mother's house. My aunt and uncle were there (uncle is my mom's brother), and my brother was there with his youngest son. I'd never met the son before, and he just turned a year old. I was happy to meet him, but a quick look around the apartment told me very quickly that my mom and my brother have different ideas of parenting than I do. Anyway, my mom and my uncle were going through my grandmother's jewelry box, and I didn't think that was right. The box is personal, and she's still alive. Leave it alone!
I'm powerless. I'm just the grandchild. I have no say in this. It is their mother, not mine. Shut up, and be quiet and let it go.
I didn't stay long. My daughter was taking a nap in the car, and my husband was out there with her, with the engine running. I dropped some things off for the baby and left as quickly as possible, but not without feeling some pain.
The next day I talked to my mom on the phone, and told her I'd like her to keep the jewelry box as in tact as possible, and if she wanted, I'd pay her for it. I just want to keep it sacred, but I didn't tell her that. Then she switched the conversation to my brother. She asked me if I thought the baby was fat, and then she told me my brother had served time in jail. I'd never heard of him being in jail, in fact as far as I know he's in the National Guard Reserves, so I'd be quite surprised if he'd done jail time. I pressed her for details- when? what jail? for how long? how many times? She faded. I knew then she was lying. Same old, same old with her. I just can't trust her to tell me the truth. I am so powerless.
And then the last part, can't forget that...l "my life had become unmanageable". Indeed, my life feels very unmanageable when I'm around her, and I spent hours crying yesterday. Hours.
This is a hard time in my life. A week ago I was feeling up, but this week I'm down. I am turning to my HP, and even considered trying to go to church (but I don't think the stress it would bring to my marriage is worth it). I am praying though, and meditating, and focusing on the tools of Al-Anon. I am constantly reminded that whether I like it or not, my mother is still sick in so many ways, and I am still an adult child of an alcoholic.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Do I really want to do this??
I went into the BIG library today, up to the 17th floor, and explored the Al-Anon books up there. Some of them are pretty old, and many have never been checked out I think. Too bad. I saw some interesting stories as I skimmed through the books and along the shelves. Then I stopped to ask myself "Do I want to do this? Do I want to identify myself, however anonymously, as an 'adult child of an alcoholic'? Do I want to let that define me?" My husband and my child love me unconditionally. Neither are interested in who I was before I came into their lives. They love me for who I am NOW, in the present, in this moment. They do not care about how I got here or why I am the way I am. They accept me for what is. They are practicing healthy relationships without even knowing it, without even thinking about it. They are just healthy to begin with. Why is it so much work for me to not be so toxic? Why can't I have their peace and sanity?
And then I remember that my 3 year old drives my husband insane sometimes too, and when that happens I am fortunate to have a program to turn to to help me keep mine. My husband doesn't have that gift, and I am fortunate. Gratitude.
And then I remember that my 3 year old drives my husband insane sometimes too, and when that happens I am fortunate to have a program to turn to to help me keep mine. My husband doesn't have that gift, and I am fortunate. Gratitude.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Something to ponder quickly
Yesterday I went on Amazon and ordered some books. Seems my old copies, that I had before I got married, have vanished. I think I gifted them to charity in order to save space. My book collection took a huge hit before I moved in with my husband. Since we've lived in our current house, it took another hit by being stored away. I went through the few boxes that I could find, but could not find my old favorites so I ordered new ones.
My preschooler is driving me crazy. I'm losing my sanity, and feeling unhappy around my child. Not good feelings. I'm reminded that I need to practice my program in other areas of my life, not just around the addicts and alcoholics that brought me to Al-Anon in the first place, but everywhere. I need to find MY peace, and my sanity at work, with my husband, with my child, and with everyone else as well. It's a struggle and I'm feeling like I'm not where I want to be with some of these things. It's difficult especially when dealing with children who can't be expected to understand another person's perspective.
My preschooler is driving me crazy. I'm losing my sanity, and feeling unhappy around my child. Not good feelings. I'm reminded that I need to practice my program in other areas of my life, not just around the addicts and alcoholics that brought me to Al-Anon in the first place, but everywhere. I need to find MY peace, and my sanity at work, with my husband, with my child, and with everyone else as well. It's a struggle and I'm feeling like I'm not where I want to be with some of these things. It's difficult especially when dealing with children who can't be expected to understand another person's perspective.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Time to get kickin'!
I'm making an effort to post Monday-Friday starting next week. I haven't figured out where I'm going to find the time, or what I'm going to write about exactly, but that's the plan. Wish me luck! And if you have suggestions, I'm welcome to hear them. Thanks!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Let Go and Let HP and "Courage to change the things I can" often go hand-in-hand
I often find that having the "courage to change the things I can" and "Let Go and Let God/HP" go together. I prefer the "Let go and Let HP" motto over the serenity prayer sometimes because I really have to practice at the Letting Go part. I want to be in control, I really do!
This past week has been an example of these two things in action, and it has nothing to do with my mother. As further proof that the 12 steps are not just about the addicts and alcoholics in my life, but about living MY life for me I offer this example:
I work for the state. I was hired in 2005 to my current job. In 2006, after my maternity leave, I gradually began to take on greater responsibility and do more complex duties. Last year my supervisors finally decided to officially acknowledge this and tried to get my job reclassified to a higher level. Unfortunately they failed. There were others that the supervisors were lobbying to upgrade as well, and none got approved.
So now the ball is in my court. I decided that I had the "Courage to change the things I can" and I filled out the forms to try to get reclassified myself. With my supervisors support, I gathered evidence to support my case, and I scheduled an interview with the powers to be to state my case. That's the "Courage..." part.
Today I had my interview, and did my best to succeed. Yesterday I even got my hair cut and bought some new clothes and shoes to bolster my confidence. I did everything I could think of to prepare beforehand, and really studied, and then I did everything I could during the interview to do well.
Now it's time to "Let Go and Let HP". I've done my part. The administrators will gather more information from my supervisors' director, and other sources. They will prepare a report and give me a chance to review it. Right now I have to wait. Right now there is nothing I can do. Right now I have to Let Go, and I don't know how long it will take. It might be a month before the next step of action is required on my part. Letting Go is hard work, but it's what I have to do. "Grant me serenity" while I'm letting go.
and peace too.
This past week has been an example of these two things in action, and it has nothing to do with my mother. As further proof that the 12 steps are not just about the addicts and alcoholics in my life, but about living MY life for me I offer this example:
I work for the state. I was hired in 2005 to my current job. In 2006, after my maternity leave, I gradually began to take on greater responsibility and do more complex duties. Last year my supervisors finally decided to officially acknowledge this and tried to get my job reclassified to a higher level. Unfortunately they failed. There were others that the supervisors were lobbying to upgrade as well, and none got approved.
So now the ball is in my court. I decided that I had the "Courage to change the things I can" and I filled out the forms to try to get reclassified myself. With my supervisors support, I gathered evidence to support my case, and I scheduled an interview with the powers to be to state my case. That's the "Courage..." part.
Today I had my interview, and did my best to succeed. Yesterday I even got my hair cut and bought some new clothes and shoes to bolster my confidence. I did everything I could think of to prepare beforehand, and really studied, and then I did everything I could during the interview to do well.
Now it's time to "Let Go and Let HP". I've done my part. The administrators will gather more information from my supervisors' director, and other sources. They will prepare a report and give me a chance to review it. Right now I have to wait. Right now there is nothing I can do. Right now I have to Let Go, and I don't know how long it will take. It might be a month before the next step of action is required on my part. Letting Go is hard work, but it's what I have to do. "Grant me serenity" while I'm letting go.
and peace too.
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