trying to do my part

The service was on Saturday. We had to wait for out of town relatives, some in their 70s. I took Friday off to spend with family and I was glad I did. Yesterday, Sunday, I did not return to my uncle's house and I felt odd about it. I think it was just a gathering for the others though. A time for the brothers and wives to gather and remember in the aftermath.

When my maternal grandmother passed away last year I was there for my mother. I spent most of a week with her, visiting the funeral home, helping with arrangements, etc. This time it's different. My father doesn't need me as much and I feel a little lost. I am trying to let go though. I am trying to listen and be available and yet not get in the way. It's a struggle, but I am trying.

It's a good lesson Let Go and Let God, and that's what I am trying to do today.

and she's gone

I got to see her one last time. On Friday she was moved from the hospital back to the nursing home. My father was there for her all day in the hospital, and then there at the nursing home to help her settle back in. On Saturday the hospice came, and the doctor, and my dad of course. On Sunday I was finally permitted to come and sit for a bit. I didn't stay too long. My father told me to keep it short and sweet and so I did.

This morning I got the call from him that she had gone during the night. He had gone home in the evening to do laundry, to eat, to do normal things like sleep.

It's funny this thing. I didn't think this one would be so hard. I bought new black boots. My husband got a haircut. We canceled our vacation plans. And now we sit and wait for the date because relatives must arrive from out of town.

saying goodbye

Tonight I have to go to the hospital and try to say goodbye to my last remaining grandparent. My paternal grandmother is going. I saw her the other night and I thought she was going to be okay, but last night she took a turn for the worst. My father is trying to gather the family around- his 3 brothers are all out of state- and invite any who want to to come when they can. I'm not sure how long she has, only she knows that I guess.

She doesn't have cancer. She beat that already. She's just tired and old I guess. I thought she'd go next summer honestly, but I guess she's decided to go sooner. I'm not really ready for this, and I don't think my father is either. I need to be there for him though so I am doing what I can, which probably won't be enough.

I'm not as close to her as I was to my maternal grandmother, but my dad has taken care of her for most of his adult life in some form or another. He took care of his father too. My grandmother has been in nursing care for many years due to mental health problems, but he has been there advocating for her care. He brings her the candy she likes, the slippers she needs, the news she wants to hear. He has been her best friend I think for so long. I am so sad for him now.