Letting go of expectations is another one of the gifts that I get from Al-Anon. I have gained sanity by letting go of expectations every day. I'd like to do this and that this weekend, but those plans involve other people in my life, and they may not have the same inclinations as I do. If I expect to get things done, I'm going to be disappointed. I have to work hard to let go. It's not easy. Twice within the last two days I've had that point driven home to me.
Yesterday I thought I'd lost my wallet. My expectations of returning to work, having a normal day, and a normal day today, were vanished in a heartbeat. If my wallet was lost, I'd have a lot of work to do to recover all that was lost. Getting a new driver's license, new debit and credit cards, etc. would take a lot of time, energy, and probably be frustrating. My expectation about just having a normal day vanished. Then I found my wallet. WHEW!
This morning I was pulling out of a parking lot, and passing other parked cars. One of them nearly backed into me. For a few seconds I had images of a tow truck, maybe an ambulance, and definitely policemen in my head. Then I leaned on the horn, hard. The other driver heard me, and all was saved. But in those few seconds my expectations of getting to work and having a normal day ahead of me vanished, and if the car ended up "in the shop", then other things would be messed up too. I didn't like my expectations to be taken away. I did not want that car accident to happen. WHEW again!
The last example I'll give you is at home. As the parent of a 3 year old, having expectations can be tricky. My husband and I have an expectation that we'll eat supper at a certain time, food will be eaten in a timely manner, and all will be calm. My daughter has other ideas. SHE wants to get the ketchup out of the refrigerator. She's disappointed that she has smiley faced french fries instead of alphabet fries. She wants to do more and more things herself. Then she wants to lick a knife covered in butter. Sometimes these things can drive a parent up a wall. Picking and choosing our battles becomes exhausting, and often I am ready for bed before she is. Sometimes my husband or I will put ourselves in time out because it gets overwhelming. We just want to eat supper. We don't want to have a battle about how eating a half a cup of butter is not allowed. However we are fooling ourselves if we sit down at the kitchen table and expect dinner to go smoothly. It's not going to. Eating out will have it's own challenges too. We just have to accept that mealtimes are going to be rough, and remove any expectations we have otherwise.
None of these examples have an alcoholic in them. When I was a kid I had expectations that a holiday would be fun, cozy, and friendly. I looked forward to Christmas and Thanksgiving like every other kid. My mom would start drinking though, and way too early there would be fighting and tears, and everything would be a mess. I've stopped looking forward to holidays with her. My expectations were never met. She has never been sober during the holidays to my knowledge, and I am dreading having her around this year. It's best not to have any expectations.
So if "Let Go and Let God" or "Let Go and Let Higher Power" seems too much for you at first, then practice just "Letting Go" at first. Let go of your expectations and you will be a lot calmer, a lot more willing to go with the flow of things, and adapt to whatever happens. It's not always easy. And yes, sometimes I get bummed out because I don't get what I want, but at least I'm not frustrated by not having my expectations met in the first place.
I'd like to go to some fall festivals this weekend. Do I EXPECT to be able to go? Not one bit. I'm hoping to get to at least one of them, although I'd really like to go to 2 or 3. I don't have any expectations though. We don't have much planned because I know that truly everyone will have something different they want to do, and I'm not the only member of the family who gets a voice. The oil will get changed on the car, groceries will hopefully be purchased, and birthday cake or birthday cupcakes will be consumed. Those are expectations I can live with. The rest I just have to let go. If we get in a car accident on the way home today though, all bets are off, and that's just the way it goes.
Yes, I still have those expectations. I do my best to lower them way down but still there will be things that I look forward to that the alcoholic doesn't want to do. That is just how it is. I can choose to do something by myself which is often what happens. Alcohol is absent but alcoholism is still present.
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