more about things with my mother

We compromised on our birthdays. She ended up having her tag sale again on March 12th. So I brought my daughter with me and we visited the tag sale and delivered a birthday gift. I let my daughter have anything she wanted from the tag sale but I paid my mother for it all. My daughter especially wanted the glass stuff. She's not used to being allowed to have real glass and thought it was very special. I didn't argue.

I saw my mother again a couple of weeks later. She said she needed to clear out her safety deposit box at the bank and turn in her keys. I think I posted here that getting the keys was HUGE drama between us. This time I went alone, and did not bring my daughter. We went to the bank and lo and behold, my mom had cleared out the box the day before. She really, really did not want me seeing what was in there. We turned in the keys and signed all the forms etc. Went back to her place and talked for a bit and she loaded me up with more stuff she doesn't want. I did get a big box of old photo albums which is nice. I am eager to look at it but haven't had time  yet. I thought I was going to bring home the final piece of furniture that I was getting from her but I couldn't move it myself. I had to send my husband back for it later in the day. Still, it's done now. That piece is in our living room now. I have another piece still in our basement that I want to move upstairs now that we have this and then we are DONE with furniture from my mom I think. Settled. She is taking some stuff to Florida that I may want some day, however I told her it's her stuff. She's alive and using it and that's the way it should be. I am not out to take away all her stuff. I'm just taking the big stuff now so that I don't have to rent a big truck for it later. I can put boxes in the trunk of a car easily enough in 10 years or whatever. That's no problem.

The strange thing is... I really don't know when I'll see her again once she goes down there. My daughter is already talking about visiting but when I mention it to my husband he is always like "Why? I hate Florida. It's hot there...." His mother is there too in a different town than my mom will be. Maybe daughter and I will go without him sometime. I don't know.

The three of us did go down a few years ago in September 2008 when my mom was still there. Then in July 2009 my mom came back up here. Our daughter doesn't remember 2008 though. All she remembers is the last year or two I guess. The joys of being a preschooler! This will be different for her, having grandma be away.

I think I'll be seeing my mother at least once more because daughter's birthday is coming up. Then after that it is all a question mark still. Maybe 2 or 3 times that I'll see her at most I guess. It looks like April is going to go fast and then she will be gone. There is a lot of relief that will come with this, but nervousness too. When she's here I worry about the harm she will cause to me. When she's gone I will worry about the harm she is causing to herself or others. There really is no perfect solution I guess.

Ah well. I just have to keep handing it over to my higher power. Hopefully someone somewhere will take care of her and keep her safe. In so many ways she's like a child or maybe a teenager. She needs someone to keep her out of jail. I hope she finds him/her soon.

Live and Let Live.

It's all about the boundaries folks

I haven't posted lately in part because I don't have anything good to say. My mother has been pushing, pushing hard to keep me away. She is selling off her stuff because she needs money to move at the end of April. A week or so ago she told me NOT to come to her tag sale. She started a huge fight with me on the phone while I was at work (I had called her to see if she needed more boxes). Then she called my house and left a NASTY message on my answering machine. So glad my daughter didn't hear that one! Sheesh.. I wanted to call her back so badly, I literally stood looking at the phone holding my hands behind my back. I just stared at that phone and let the voices in my head sound off. But I didn't pick up the phone. I kept my Al-Anon going and I knew that making that phone call would not be NICE. It would not improve anything and it was not necessary. I left the phone alone. She hasn't called me since. Now our birthdays are here. She sent me a card and some cash. Hmm... an expensive card for someone claiming to be broke, and why did she send cash?? I plan to deliver her card on Saturday (her birthday is Sunday). I will return the cash she gave me in her card and I'm also going to give her some girl scout cookies. Nothing fancy. No taking her out for a meal or for ice cream. Just going to drop off the card. She may or may not be having her indoor tag sale again this weekend. If she is then she'll be home and dropping off the stuff will be easy. If she's out then I'll just leave it in the mailbox.

However I'm not using the birthdays as a "all is better now" thing. Just because she sent me a card and a gift does not mean all is forgiven for her rotten behavior on the phone concerning the tag sale. I understand that she is probably selling stuff I don't want her to sell and she doesn't want me to see her doing that. It's her stuff she can do what she wants. I am being respectful by not going to the tag sale. I am respecting her boundaries there. However it's too bad that she has chosen to be this way, and it's too bad she was so mean and nasty to me on the phone.

I feel badly for my daughter. She is getting cheated out of good grandmothers. My father's girlfriend helps sometimes but she has 5 other grandchildren of her own. She doesn't really need a step-grandchild very much. Oh well.. now I'm rambling.

Boundaries... and the serenity prayer are keeping me going these days and I'm still working that stuff every day.

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