Mom passed away

I almost had trouble finding this blog this morning. I always think of it as "Waiting For the Other Shoe to Fall" which I think is what the URL is.  "Tari's Steps".....

I created "Tari" because Al-Anon is supposed to be anonymous and how do you write anonymously? Eventually I stopped trying to switch back and forth and owned this blog as myself, Rebecca.

Anyway... things got worse for mom after she got into the new apartment in 2017. She didn't get the services she needed and when she did get services she often pushed them away. As her health declined her weight went down and she ended up dirty because she was too weak to stand in the shower. She couldn't get laundry done and her mind was going.

Eventually VITAS, a hospice agency, stepped in and got her to a nursing home for the last few weeks of her life. She didn't want to go. Even when she could no longer walk she was trying to escape.  It was a sad situation.

I managed to get to Florida before she died and I spent the last few days at her bedside, and the nights crying alone in my hotel room. She knew I was there in the end and I made sure she was comfortable.

She didn't die in a horrific DUI accident. She didn't die from an accidental drug overdose. She didn't die in any of the crazy ways I thought she might.  She died scared and confused, and in pain. Except I let them give her drugs to take away all that so when she went she was at peace.

Cause of death was anorexia and end-stage COPD. It wasn't the drinking that killed her. It was the smoking and not eating. I've never seen a person as thin as she was. I guess hospice people see it all the time. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen.

I forgave her when she said she was sorry for the choices she had made. I hope that gave her peace. I'll have to keep reminding myself of the Serenity Prayer and remind myself I did the best I could for her. She wasn't easy.

Of course I'll continue to carry the message of Al-Anon in other parts of my life as well.

For the purposes of this blog though.. the shoe has fallen. I need to gather up the last of her things in Florida, decide what to keep and what to let go, and then I need to go back north and reunite mom with her parents.

Thank you all for your years of readership. May you never walk in my shoes. Feel free to leave a comment or send an email or whatever you like. I won't take the blog down but I guess this is goodbye.

May you all find peace.

Rebecca

Mom update

I never updated. Life got in the way.

The helpful cousin managed to get mom into the new apartment. My mom has been paying her back a little at a time. I'm not sure what the cousin's expectations were but eventually she tired and realized she needed to live her own life.

The helpful cousin left Florida. The boyfriend has been less than helpful. We visited for a couple of days in the summer and stayed at a hotel some miles away. I took mom to Walmart and the grocery store and to Taco Bell and out for ice cream. We visited the beach and had lunch at a diner. We did things as mother, daughter, and granddaughter. My husband kept his distance recovering from our drive from Massachusetts to Florida in our hotel room.

Our visit was at the end of June. It was in January that the cousin was ready to move on. So now mom is in this place, health still bad of course, and not getting the assistance she needs. She's more or less alone. I think she even broke up with the boyfriend.

 She hates New England winters but she's starting the application process to move back up here.

Situation is still quite serious

For a long time I couldn't figure out how to get back to Tari. Today I finally figured it out. I'm thinking of a project where I would give out an email address to strangers but I need to create a new email address before I take action on that plan.

Meanwhile my mother's belongings are in a 5 x 10 storage unit somewhere in Daytona Beach. She's in a hotel room with her 2 cats and no where to go. Her cousin is paying for her room for just a little longer in hopes that something will change soon. I am asking friends and family for leads on where she might be able to go.

It's a bad situation. I am pulling at my Al-Anon coping skills heavily right now. I didn't cause this and I can't control it. It's not my fault she's in this mess and I have a right to keep myself and my family safe.

To say it's not easy is an understatement. Depending on what happens in the next few weeks this blog may go in a different direction. I'm still thinking things through and watching and waiting. It's crazy that my own mother is homeless now. Just crazy.

mom still homeless

Words from Florida are not good ones. The apartment that my mom thought she was going to get turned out to be really small and crappy and they said she couldn't afford to live there anyway. Now there is a possibility that she will get into a senior living building in Ormond Beach which is a few miles north of where she thought she was going to go. In the new place she won't have her own laundry facilities which is a bummer. She didn't have them in her old place but she thought she was going to get it in Daytona Beach and her friend had bought her a washer and dryer. As of right now she's in a LaQuinta hotel until who knows when. On Friday her cousin is going to help her move her stuff into a storage unit and return the moving truck since no one knows when she'll have an apartment again. I'm not sure for how long her cousin can pay the hotel bill. I imagine at some point I'll have to take that over. I'm not happy about that of course. I have other things to spend money on but we'll do it if we have to I suppose. I'm just hoping it doesn't come to that.

I'm trying to keep family expenses down because I know we have big expenses coming up. Everything is such a mess. I'm trying to be positive. Everyone around me is falling apart and I'm falling apart on the inside but somehow I'm supposed to be the strong one right now. It's crazy.

The shoe is slipping

You may notice that the url for this blog is
http://waitingfortheothershoetofall.blogspot.com/

read that again... waiting for the other shoe to fall  ...

right now it's slipping. Imagine if you will a high heeled shoe or a sandal and it's starting to slide off.

That's where we are now.

She's still in Florida. She decided to move across the state even though she didn't have the money to do it. She borrowed. She gave notice on where she was that she'd be out. She hadn't been accepted into the place that she wanted to move into. She just had faith that it would all work out.

As I write this she's in a hotel with a moving truck parked out front. Her 2 cats are probably in her hotel room with her. She borrowed more money. It's not mine. She's hoping that tomorrow she'll be able to move into the place that she wants.

She can't go to a homeless shelter because she's on oxygen and needs a power supply for that. Plus she has 2 cats that she doesn't want to let go of. She doesn't have a car. All of her possessions are in that moving truck right now and she's got no where to go.

We're holding our breath. Her cousin is helping her for a few days but I'm not sure for how long. They don't get along great but her cousin has compassion. They are family after all.

She did this. It's her choice. I can't fix it. I didn't cause it. I still love her but this is her mess. Damn that's hard. If she gets housing and gets stable then I'll go see her at the end of June, as I planned to do. I'm not running down there any sooner. There's nothing I can do anyway. If this doesn't work out I don't know what's going to happen. The not knowing is a killer. You can see the labels that I am giving this post. There's a lot going on in my head right now. A lot of things that don't have words.

No one wants to be homeless. No one wants to be addicted. No one wants to be sick. These aren't things that anyone wishes on themselves or others and yet here we are.

I see the homeless in my community standing in the traffic median with a cardboard sign asking for money. Will this be her in Florida in a month? I don't know. I think if that becomes her she will die because oxygen tanks and homelessness don't mix.

Here we are.

Waiting.

The (U.S.) Election - Politics and Al-Anon

I live in a very pro-Hillary Clinton area. My workplace is predominately a Democratic environment. Not everyone supports her though, myself included. I tend to go 3rd party and this election was no different. 

The election and the aftermath have not been easy. I know people who supported Trump and they are practically hiding in the closet even though Trump won. It shouldn't be like this, but it is.

My message to everyone though, regardless of where you stand, is this... If you are reading this post then you probably have some experience with a 12-step program. It's time to pull that stuff out and use it.

Let Go and Let God.
Let go of expectations!
Is it Necessary?
THINK!
Have faith. Everything is going to be ok.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it! I don't care how you voted. You alone did not do this! The electoral college does the voting. Not you. Not me.
Detach if you need to. That's ok. Protect yourself.
Boundaries can be good things.
You don't have to love it, but you have to accept it.
Use the Serenity Prayer.

What else?  What tools from Al-Anon, or elsewhere, have you been using to cope?

close call

My last post was almost six months ago here. It's funny how time slips by but really it's true I haven't had much to say. We didn't visit my mother this summer, or my father-in-law in another state. We stayed with ourselves doing things for just the three of us. It was easier that way.

Recently my mom had a health issue that was worse than originally thought. The end result was a surgery which was scheduled for this past Monday. I offered to visit repeatedly and she said no, don't come. I respected that and stayed in my corner of the world. The day before the surgery it dawned on her how serious this might be. She still didn't want me nearby though so we stayed in touch by phone. I got the hospital numbers and the number for the doctor and on Monday I made calls and held my breath. The surgery went long and recovery went long. She made it to ICU though and then stayed there extra long. She's out of ICU now and still in the hospital. She wants to go home tomorrow but I don't know if that will happen. In the hospital they've discovered other things that maybe hadn't been noticed before. I'm not sure what will be decided. All I can do is call and listen to the nurses and listen to her and wait.

I'm still waiting for the other shoe to fall. It feels like we came very close this week. My suitcase has been sitting nearby. I've got it half packed. I've got my credit card and AAA card and all of that. My husband and daughter know that on a dime I may have to leave town. Just waiting for that call.

And then instead last night a friend of mine who lives less than 2 hours from my mom... she came home and found her husband passed away. I'm just shocked. It's not fair. There was no warning.

I've been waiting for years, and especially this week, but instead this. There is no justice and even though the two events are not connected to each other at all I feel it. Not rational I know but real to me. So shocked and unfair.

Other things are going on too. Things I have more control over and I'm just on edge waiting for some kind of release. I hope when my mom gets home I can cry. I need to release that but honestly I'm not sure if she'll go home. I won't know until they tell me what's next.

Just taking it one day at a time and riding this roller coaster ride whether I want to or not. I'm trying to be detached but I'm failing. I'm pulled in because I still love her and I know this is serious stuff.

I am trying, trying, trying to Let Go and Let God. It's all I can do.

Still here.... but detaching

I stopped writing for a while. Just stopped. I'm trying to get back into it now, slowly.

The last time I posted here, way back in October, I was blogging about depression. I'm still fighting that, but keeping it quiet. I don't believe there is a magical cure. I'm just doing what I can on my own.

I talked to my mother yesterday, the inspiration for this blog, and she's just... well I'm doing my best to detach. She's okay, but she's medicated. The addiction is just consuming her. I wonder if she'll outlive us all or if her days are numbered. I really, really have to let go. I know my daughter misses her but even my daughter... she is starting to see that my mother is different.

The generation gap is alive and well of course. My husband and I have been having fun telling our 10-year old about things that didn't exist in our childhood. Yesterday an example was YouTube. My mom doesn't have a computer. I think she's HEARD of YouTube maybe, but she doesn't really know much about it. My daughter got on the phone and was telling her that she's been making videos which she hopes to post to YouTube. I tried to imagine my mother's thought process. She's probably wondering when we bought our daughter a video camera or something to start with, but really... she's lost and confused and she told me so. It's only going to get worse Mom. Sorry.

So my mother's world is shrinking in a way. She doesn't read books, she doesn't travel, she doesn't get many visitors. She watches tv, goes where the apartment van takes her, and spends her time in her senior citizen apartment building. She's not political, not active, and can't drive. She medicates, smokes, and drinks, and her days and nights go by.

I just need to let it go.

Fighting the depression

I don't have time to post much right now. I realize it's been a long time since I've blogged here. I'm fighting the depression as hard as I can. One night this past weekend I was frustrated that I couldn't find something. I got really upset about it. Really, really upset and I just brought myself down into this hole. On the outside you wouldn't know what I am feeling. I am putting on the face, uniting the family to do fun fall family things and I am going to work every day. Inside though I am splitting into pieces. I know from experience though that I have to just keep going.

Does your faith sustain you?

I was thinking about this earlier today. Does your faith sustain you? Can you turn to it when you are trying to sort out a secular problem? Or do you go to church on Sundays and forget about it the rest of the week?

What about your Al-Anon program? Is it just something you focus on during a meeting, or when you are dealing with the alcoholic in your life? Or do you use the tools when coping with other things in life?

I haven't been to meetings in a long, long time but the tools I have gained from those meetings, and from the literature which I still have, stays with me. I try to apply it to my daily life.

My husband needs to see his doctor. Know what? It's NOT MY PROBLEM. I have to let that go and let him live his own life.

We bought a new car. I feel guilty, Know what? I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. I am allowed good things in life. Just because my mother doesn't have a car (too many DUIs) doesn't mean I deserve something less for myself. I need to let go of the guilt!

My kid has days when she chooses to be in a bad mood. Know what? I can't control it, I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it. (Granted I check myself to make sure I didn't cause it.) I need to let that go too.

Every day, multiple times a day, I find myself using the tools from Al-Anon.

Whether you use the tools from Al-Anon or the tools from your favorite religious teachings I hope they sustain you through good times and bad.