Tari's Steps- Walking the Al-Anon path

our lives go on

2012-01-29T20:45:00.000-05:00

Sorry for not posting in a while. Predictably my urge to post here has decreased since my mother moved back to Florida. It is easier to cope with an addict when you have more distance between you.

She fell and broke her arm. She fell because she was so frail that when she stood up she just blacked out or something. At least that's what she told me. Now she has a health aide coming to her apartment twice/week to check her blood pressure to make sure it isn't too low. It is also going to take her a long time to heal her arm. She can'd drive her scooter thing of course as a result so she's rather homebound I guess. I gather that she is quite thin, probably about 100 pounds or 105 pounds. (In contrast I'm having trouble staying under the 200 pound mark.). For a woman of her height the weight is too low, and if her blood pressure is too low too then that is all just not so good.

Still things could be worse. About ten days ago we were informed that the mother of one of my daughter's classmates had cancer and was terminal. I asked if she would be gone before June and I was told much sooner than that. Still I wasn't quite prepared for it to happen as fast as it did. By the time school started on Friday morning she was already gone. She left behind a kindergartener and a preschooler, as well as a niece and nephew who shared her home.. all kids in my daughter's school. So sad for our small town to see such a loss. She had a great support network and was well known and loved. Her husband, children, sister, and so forth will not be grieving alone. Cancer is a terrible disease.

I saw the sign from the American Red Cross to give blood and get a free pound of Dunkin Donuts coffee. Remembering how long it had taken me the last time I went I called ahead and made an appointment to give. I did it on a Friday afternoon and felt shaky for a long, long time afterward. Still I will do it again in March I think when I am eligible again. It's a small way to help others and God only knows if/when it will be my turn to ask for help some day.

If a tree falls down in the forest but no one hears it does it make a sound?

2011-12-28T15:04:00.001-05:00

The truth is killing me. Several months ago I had a conversation with a woman in our town that was just unbelievable. The only witnesses were our children. In the conversation the woman told me that she had watched videos on You Tube and learned how to burn down her house and still get out safely. She had this whole thing planned. She and her daughters got some cats so that the cats could burn in the fire. She was timing it for just before Christmas vacation. Her lease was due to expire on December 31st... etc. etc. etc..

I never told a sole about the conversation. Eventually she stopped herself and realized she had spoken out loud. Of course this was months ago. What could I do? I figured she would deny it if I went to the police, and who would really set their own home on fire with 2 little girls inside? This was just crazy talk or something!

Well she did it. I have no documentation. I have no memory of exactly WHEN the conversation took place. However I know the truth. Her plans worked exactly as she predicted. It looked like a holiday accident. The tree was too close to the fireplace. The cats died. The town and the school felt sorry for the family and donated and donated and donated. They opened their wallets and their homes to this family. Now it is school vacation. Who knows where they will be when school opens up January 3rd?

I thought the fire department would recognize the fire as arson when it happened. I thought for sure she would leave some clue, do something wrong, but everyone just took her as a "dumb blonde" and she seems to be getting away with it.

What can I do? I feel so much guilt for not reporting her months ago. For not doing something ahead of time. I hate the fact that I am possibly the only one who knows the truth.

I did finally send anonymous emails to the police, the fire, and the school. I don't know if it's enough though, and it might be too late. This town is too nice and trusting. She knew that. She played this town exactly right.

I think this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life now. She has that kind of power.

Sorry.. I wanted to post a "Happy Holidays!" message but I just had to get this out there.

Grateful

2011-12-06T09:26:00.001-05:00

I posted this on my blog on www.Sparkpeople.com

I am not one to post about gratitude every day. I have it, I just don't post it. This morning though I thought I would share with you, in the spirit of the holidays and all.

1. I am grateful that I can afford to send out xmas cards to my friends and family. I know that not everyone can do this. Stamps and cards are expensive and it is outside of many people's budgets to send them.

2. I am grateful that we can afford to have a SHELF full of cereal at our house, okay 1/2 a shelf now but a few weeks ago we bought stuff on sale and we had SEVERAL boxes of the stuff. We still do have quite a bit. 20 years ago I was lucky if I had a single box for myself. Now my daughter has 3 or 4 boxes to choose from in addition to frozen waffles, eggs, and pancakes. I know she will have a healthy breakfast.

3. I am grateful that I have health insurance and that I can afford the copays to see my doctor when I am sick. I have been going back and forth for a few months now trying to get my asthma/breathing situation under control. I know that not everyone could do that. Many people would just "live with it" as long as they could.

4. I am grateful that God, or a higher power, or whatever forces in the universe there are..whatever you want to believe there.... brought my husband together in 2002.

5. I am grateful that my husband was accepting of who I am, faults and all. I am also grateful for his family being accepting too. I am not a saint. I had a life before him and it wasn't all roses.

6. I am grateful to have a full-time job, with flexible working hours and paid time off.

7. I am grateful for the internet. ;-)

8. I am grateful to see my daycare bill this month and see that it is only 3 digits instead of 4. It wasn't so long ago (July) that it was 4.

9. I am grateful that both of my parents are still alive.

10. I am grateful to have found my long-lost foster sister on Facebook this year. That is probably one of the best things to happen to me in a long time.

11. I am grateful for my daughter.

12. I am grateful to be the kind of mom that will sit down on a dirty kitchen floor and do an art project with my daughter until we run out of paint!

13. I am grateful that my ears work so that I can hear things like "Mommy, I know we have the prettiest Christmas tree in the whole world! No one could possibly have a tree as nice as ours."

14. I am grateful for my Spark friends.

15. I will add... I am grateful for my readers here, whoever you may be. I hope you all have happy holidays!

Easy come, easy go right?

2011-11-09T09:45:00.002-05:00

So my writing got published yesterday on Band back together. I'd been almost counting down the days. I'm not sure what I expected but somehow I expected more "love", more feedback from the audience, more.... more validation I guess. I'd seen other writers get immediate feedback and a lot of it was really touching. SO I guess I was hoping to get some of that myself.

It didn't happen. This morning I checked and there were about five responses to it. Better than none I know, but still I feel let down.

Now I'm torn about what to do next. On the one hand I could write another post and submit it, and go through the process again. Or I could wash my hands and move on. I haven't decided yet.

Meanwhile I am trying to National Novel Writing Month and I am terribly behind. Having a full-time job and spending time with my husband and my kid it's really hard to find the time and energy to write every day. So really if I'm going to write at all it should be there, and not on something new.

I don't know. Hope the blogger world is doing okay. I know I've been behind on reading all of your posts too.

just checking in

2011-10-26T11:28:00.000-04:00

It's been about 3 weeks since my last blog post here. So let me tell you what is happening.

I wrote that post here, there, and everywhere. Then I submitted it to a group blog called "Band Back Together" (http://www.bandbacktogether.com)which has a lot of mental health, recovery, and other survivor type stuff on it. They accept submissions but then they edit them and choose when to publish them. So I submitted, and then waited..and then I saw that it was being reviewed and edited... and now I have a date. It will be published on November 8th. The editor emailed me with the news and after some back and forth she said I was a "good writer" and that she didn't have to edit much. Really what she did is add some formatting for emphasis, like adding italics and things like that. She said she could have put it up for publication sooner but it was so good that she wanted to put it in a PRIME TIME. Oh.... :-)

She got me in the ego. Yup! Loved hearing that. So that was really nice.

The scales have been smiling for the last couple of weeks too. I dropped a couple of pounds, and a co-worker complimented me on my weight loss and my new jeans. Sweet!!

Feeling good about yourself is not a crime, just in case you ACOAs need a reminder. I am not a selfish person for feeling good about my accomplishments. I have worked for a long time, and I have worked hard to lose weight and to be a good writer. I did not do these things overnight. They have taken effort.

Now I am taking a couple of more steps.

First of all I have slowly been building a following on Twitter. I am not in a hurry to build myself but I am determined to do it. Twitter is helping me to find my voice. It is helping me to figure out what is important to me and figure out what my opinions are. Like many ACOAs I have not really felt like I had a voice most of my life. Twitter is really helping me to define myself. There is a site called Klout, www.klout.com, which identifies how much influence you have, and what topics you seem to know about. I find this very helpful too.

Second, I am joining NaNoWriMo which is just insane. NaNoWriMo is the idea of National Novel Writing Month... somehow I am supposed to write a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. Yeah, right. Wish me luck!

More on finding my former foster siblings

2011-10-07T12:59:00.000-04:00

I posted this somewhere else but I thought I would share it here too..

It's Mental Health Awareness week. Did you know that?

My mother is an alcoholic. I can say that now. When I was growing up it wasn't allowed. She's been married and divorced 3 times and has been "single" now for many, many years although she almost always has a boyfriend around somewhere. She can't stand to be "alone".

When I was growing up she was married to my step-father (now ex-step-father) for a few years. During that time they tried to have kids but my mom kept having miscarriages. So they decided to do foster care. We got a 4 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. My parents still wanted a baby though so when I was 9 years old (3 years later) they got a 3-month old baby boy who they eventually adopted.

The foster kids stayed with us for 4 years. During that time my mother abused the girl. When the social workers finally caught on to the abuse the kids were pulled out of our home immediately. I pretty much never saw them again.

Flash forward 30 years. Last week I found their names on Facebook. They were connected to a friend of a friend.. the girl has changed her name thanks to adoption and marriage. The boy has also changed his name because of adoption. However after figuring out what I could I solved the puzzle.

So after 30 years we are getting the chance to catch up. My mother is in Florida and I haven't told her. I might soon, but so far I haven't. My adopted brother is 31 years old now, and still in touch with my mother and my step-father. He doesn't remember the foster kids at all I think since he was only an infant when it all happened. He's 9 years younger than me so he had a different experience with this all.

Still I think what is amazing is that I think the girl thought she was the only one to be abused, and while I knew that my mother hit her once I did not know much of the other stuff. The words that come into my head are "You are not alone." I think we both thought we were alone on this, and turns out we weren't.

Many ACOAs feel they are alone. I know as a kid I wanted nothing to do with group therapy because I didn't honestly believe that anyone else had a crazy mother like I do. I know better now, and sadly I have heard stories far worse than ours as the years have gone by. Still.. it's a good thing. Very traumatic, but a good thing.

I've done a lot of writing in the past week, and this is more of it. I think writing it down helps make it real, and helps me process what can best be described as "grief".

Thanks for reading my story.

confused

2011-09-30T11:56:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had the chance to make amends. I am still blown away by how welcoming and calm this woman was. She "forgave me" easily because she was never really upset with me to begin with. My mother is the one who harmed her, and I will not defend my mother's actions one bit. So the tears keep coming. I feel like I am maybe experiencing some PTSD. Since I work in a library it was easy for me to go up to the stacks today and browse. I went through the ACOA stuff again, and picked up familiar books and then put them back again. Then I went to the non-fiction stacks and picked up some books at random. I found myself led to a few and then others I just let find me.

Later today I will see my doctor about my asthma. I am confused whether I should mention the PTSD or not. On the one hand I feel like Al-Anon has giving me the tools to cope with these flashbacks, but on the other hand I am not sure of my own stability. I also worry a little about the "what ifs"... what if something bad happened in my life and I lost my balance. Would I end up back in that horrible place in my head? Even though I feel like I do a good job of staying in the present, it seems like I was pulled back into the past pretty easily.. well maybe not so easily. That was a pretty well buried skeleton that just got pulled out of the closet.

So today I am going in circles. Trying to use my Al-Anon tools to cope with my PTSD and all the ACOA stuff. I am also reminded of the FOG that I think I blogged about some time ago.. Fear, Obligation, and Guilt... I am never really free of the FOG I guess. I just somehow MANAGE it, and cope with it as best as I can.

A chance to make amends

2011-09-29T21:20:00.000-04:00

Today I had the chance to make amends to someone I felt I had harmed as a child. For over 25 years I have carried the guilt around with me that I had not helped someone when I should have. I felt responsible for my mother's actions. I know that honestly it wasn't my fault that my mother abused this child, who is now a woman, but I carried the guilt with me. Therapy could never really erase the guilt. It has simply been part of my baggage tucked away in the closet somewhere.

Today, thanks to the wonders of technology and some searching on Facebook, I was able to reconnect with this woman. She was kind enough to let me into her life and I was able to send her messages telling her how sorry I was for all that I had done. I hope that I was also able to share with her that the abuse she suffered was not her fault. She was one of many in a long line of victims. It is unfortunate that my mother has victimized so many, but I hope that my words today let this woman know that it never was her fault and that I have always carried her in my heart. It may have helped me therapeutically more than her. I don't really know, but I am glad she messaged me and that we were able to communicate. Maybe now I will finally be able to let it go after holding onto it for so long. I don't know.

Today I am grateful to my Higher Power for the chance to make amends with this woman. No one will really understand just how I am feeling today. The tears have flowed over and over again. I know there is some PTSD mixed in with all of this too, but wow.... thank you God/Goddess/whatever higher powers that there are... thank you for today!!

Letting go of Expectations

2011-09-19T11:14:00.000-04:00

I have always "known" that when I had a child (or children) that I would send her to Sunday School. I went to Sunday School as a kid. It was the "right" thing to do. I went until about the age of 12 when things started to fall apart and I was allowed to make choices on my own. As a teenager I realized that I didn't believe exactly everything I had been taught. My minister was okay with that though. As I attended the adult church his sermons spoke to me. He would substitute "person" where something might have said "man" before. This was just the beginning. As a teen my biggest issue with the church was the sexism.

As an adult I found the Unitarian Universalists. This suited me much better. A sort of mix of things, that kind of lets you believe in whatever you want to believe as long as you believe in something. It's tolerant, it's accepting.... but is it Christian? I don't know. I don't usually care.

A few years ago I married the man of my dreams. This man was raised without religion. He was raised by parents who were professors. His mother later became "Born again" or something, but as a youth this man had no religion. He found it on his own. He found it on late night television. He read the Bible on his own. He never went to church. Still, he found God and he feels that God has spoken to him.

So here we are with a five year old child. The time is finally here when I have always "KNOWN" that I would send her to Sunday School. I have spent the past year researching the local churches. Searching websites, sending emails, visiting Sunday School classes, talking to neighbors and other parents... trying to find the right place. After all I have been PLANNING this for years...

so now.. guess what? I have to LET IT GO! Yup. We might have found ONE that MIGHT work, but my husband isn't interested in it, and my daughter doesn't really want to go. I found one that I liked, but it was a Unitarian church and they don't teach the Bible stories like my husband wants. Many of the churches near us are Baptist. They are against homosexuality. Neither of us can support this point of view so those churches are out. The list goes on as to why each church fails to meet my criteria.

Doesn't matter what the reasons are though. It all comes down to this... we will teach her about God ourselves. We don't need to send her to Sunday School for her to learn religion. This is a tough message for me to swallow. I don't always trust myself, or trust us. I am not sure if we can do this, but I know somehow we will.

I am Letting Go of my Expectations. Everything will be okay. I am Letting Go and Letting God.

Peace be with you.

keeping the focus on myself... transitions

2011-09-10T09:58:00.000-04:00

"She laughs so she won't cry"... I have been going through the motions for the last couple of weeks getting my daughter started at kindergarten, changing my work schedule, and seeing my husband less and less. My daughter misses me. She won't eat during the day and when I come to pick her up after school she is a wreck. She yells at me, cries, and nothing I can do is right. Meanwhile I rarely see my husband anymore. I guess this is how MOST marriages are normally. This is what "NORMAL" is. I'm just not used to it.

We used to carpool so I would see him in the mornings, then we would drop daughter off at preschool and I'd have him to myself for a few minutes while we rode to work. I'd see him again for the ride back to pick him up and the three of us would go home together. That's not happening anymore. There are days when I wake him up at 6am and then I don't see him again until 12 hours later.

Yesterday I stopped by his office to bring him breakfast but he hadn't come in yet because he stopped to get his own somewhere. So I tried and failed. I'm tired. I'm supposed to be enjoying the new "me" time but I'm lonely.

Lonely...tired... frustrated. I've been frustrated with my marriage for a long, long time... but the tiredness and loneliness just make it worse. I don't have ANY close friends. Blame it on being an "adult child of an alcoholic" or whatever.. but it doesn't change the fact that I'm a 40 year old married mother of one with no close friends... and I could really use a shoulder right now (like a best friend)... and it can't be my husband because he's already stressed and doing everything he can do. It's not his fault. It's not anyone's fault...it just is.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself I am trying to exercise more, eat better, focus on myself somehow. I want to do some writing but I'm scared to do it because I just feel like I have so much bottled up right now... ugh. I know we will get through this. I'm just tired of it all right now.

I got some new clothes, I ordered an exercise dvd, I am talking to my husband as well as I can.... I am doing the "right things" so save the advice. I just needed to vent a bit I guess. I can't change my husband, my daughter, or our situation so I am trying to focus on myself and do what I can for myself. That's all I can do.

practicing in all our affairs

2011-09-08T11:58:00.000-04:00

Many thanks to the blogger over at Calm Acceptance today. Patty gave me the words I was looking for a few days ago. I am trying to use what I have learned in Al-Anon by "to practice that principle in all my affairs"..

Thank you Patty!

http://calmacceptance.blogspot.com/

"Keep Coming Back"

2011-09-07T11:33:00.000-04:00

"Keep Coming Back". Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep showing up. In AA it's one day at a time and you put those days together. In Al-Anon we keep coming back. I went to one group one day when I was in a crisis mode. I think it was my first ever Al-Anon meeting. The topic that day was "balance" and I cried. I couldn't always get to that meeting, but I've gone off and on since to that group. I might try to change my work schedule AGAIN when things settle down a bit with my daughter so that I can go to that meeting again some day. The trick is in figuring out how to get it approved with my boss. Hmm... something to think about.

Anyway, I have been applying the "Keep Coming Back" thing with my weight loss. I use a website to track my calories and fitness. I participate in "teams" and I try to check in daily on the "chats" and "huddles". I "keep coming back". Some days I go over my calories. Some days I don't do my exercise. Some weeks I don't lose any weight (I even...gasp.. gain weight occasionally)... but I KEEP COMING BACK. I've been doing it for a year now. I'm not where I had hoped to be, but I've lost about 30 pounds that I've kept off. So I know that for me it works. If I skip a day or two I feel "off". Consistency matters more than perfection.

This is something that I learned in Al-Anon. I may not be perfect, but if I keep going back I will get better.

Image by happy_serendipity via Flickr

I think I might be back here for a while...

2011-09-04T21:54:00.000-04:00

Hi everybody!! I hope some of you are still with me. It's been a few months since I last posted.

If you've been in a 12-step program like AA or Al-Anon for a while then hopefully you have figured out that this 12-step stuff follows you EVERYWHERE!!! At least I hope it does!

I thought I would end this blog when my alcoholic parent moved away. It's a lot easier to maintain boundaries and detachments when I don't drive by her apartment on a weekly basis. However I have been aware that the concepts I learned from Al-Anon are helpful for me in other parts of my life as well. So I've decided that I am coming back to blog some more. You probably won't see me posting as much about my mother as I used to, but hopefully I will be able to post about how I am using the coping skills I learned from Al-Anon in other parts of my life such as my marriage, my job, parenting my child, losing weight, and whatever else I feel the urge to tie in.

A week ago New England, and elsewhere along the East Coast was hit by a storm named "Irene". I was fortunate. We had been camping in the White Mountains of New Hampshire before the storm hit, and decided to come home Saturday evening. We drove through Vermont and came back to Western Mass. The rain was already starting when we pulled into our driveway. We never lost power although we did lose internet for a while. From the comfort of my living room I learned of the devastation that hit near and far. Campgrounds that we had camped at last summer, covered bridges that we had photographed in July, the highway that we had traveled on just two days ago... and then closer to home, Shelburne Falls and the Bridge of Flowers nearly destroyed, my old apartment building in Greenfield, MA flooded! The current tenants are in a hotel now I think.... but I was spared. I said the Serenity Prayer a lot. There was little I could do. I was told to stay home, stay off the roads, and stay out of the way. I still haven't gone to see the damage in person. I'd like to, but I am also trying to be respectful to those who are doing the work and those who have lost their homes, businesses, farms, and streets. Although most of the power is back on there are still many who are homeless, and many roads that are closed.

My husband has detached. He knows he is powerless. I know I am powerless too, but I am still saddened by what has happened, and quite a bit awestruck too. I want to help. I want to get to those places and take pictures to show my child for when she gets older. I am curious... but it's not my problem. I can't control it. I can't fix it. I am remembering my Cs... so I am staying out of the way for a little longer. These things will take months to rebuild. There is time later to talk to folks and in the meantime I say my thanks and say my prayers to my higher powers.

Next week fittingly enough I plan to go to a church service. The congregation is doing something on water. It will be 9/11, but the focus won't be on that history for that service. The focus will be on coming together as a community because they have all been on a summer hiatus for a few weeks. I will bring my daughter and introduce her to new people. I hope that she likes it and will want to return in the weeks that follow. In doing this I hope to introduce her to a greater sense of a higher power. I know she has a small one, but I want to help her build on that now that she is starting Kindergarten. So maybe I will have something to say about all of that some time too.

Multiple Identities and staying in touch

2011-07-15T00:04:00.000-04:00

I went over to Twitter and I saw that Syd was there. Syd has done a great job of being Syd in so many places. I haven't mastered the art of acting quite so well. I find that I am "Tari" here, but someone else on Twitter, and someone else in email. I'm confused about what to do next. Google has come out with Google + which makes it easier for you to be selective about who sees what and Blogger has a way to do multiple pages on one blog now. Some bloggers are using that to have different pages for different blogs basically. They can blog about politics on one page, and music on another. Or they could blog about recovery issues on one page and blog about family or job stuff on another or whatever...

So I'm unsure what to do. A part of me wants to unify myself. To take these pieces that are scattered all over the web and unify them and claim them all. I want to say This is me, and this is me, and this is me... and all of this is ME.... and then I get scared. Why fix something if it isn't broken? And 12-step stuff is supposed to be anonymous... so maybe I should just keep this thing here, and keep my mouth shut about my Twitter account, and not fix anything that isn't really broken.

Comments? Helpful advice? I'd love to hear it...

I need to hear from my readers- that means you!

2011-05-18T21:28:00.000-04:00

I need to hear from you out there. Now that the major addict in my life is further from my physical proximity it is obviously easier to maintain our boundaries. The chaos in my life has diminished considerably. Tonight I called her with some sad family news. She didn't really listen to what I had to say. She wanted to ramble about something else. It was on my dime (and now phone calls cost money, not just my time). I told her my daughter was calling for me in the background and hung up the phone. No drama, no guilt, just done.

So now what? As an adult child of an alcoholic I know that I am not cured just because I am no longer living with her and her disease. I am still afflicted by what has happened to me in the past. Try as I might I will never be unscathed by what has already occurred. I can only do my best with what I've got now. Do you, my readers, want to hear about that? The daily grind (or weekly grind or whatever) of just living the life? Or is that not dramatic enough?

Blogger tells me that there are people all over the world who are reading this blog, or at least I'm getting page views from lots of places. I'm not quite sure how it all works. I know that I have a few followers, that I'm on a few blogrolls, and maybe in a few people's readers. I appreciate that. I really do.

Now that the "crisis" is over should I continue writing or should I quit? Please let me hear from you.

The end of this chapter in my life has come

2011-04-29T10:59:00.000-04:00

My mom called me last night from inside her new apartment. She is on the 3rd floor of a 6 story building. Looks like a big place from the picture I found online. She has hired someone that she met at a Salvation Army store to help her unload the truck today. Tomorrow she will return the truck. She doesn't have a land line for her phone yet, but will probably get one next week.

She told me about some of her driving- running over curbs, knocking over a sign, etc. I will be truly glad when she has handed over the keys on Saturday and I don't have to worry about her crashing anymore. However I am breathing a little bit better just knowing that she is IN her new place and finding her way around etc.

With her back in Florida our lives will change again. Things will never be as they were before. She has left a footprint on us all of course. However the day-to-day dramas will be easier to handle because I can always hang up the phone or throw away the letter. I can much more easily keep her from hurting myself or hurting my daughter.

I'm not sure what will happen to this blog now. This could be my last post. Or it might not be. It's not that my mother is dead. It is just that with the distance it is easier to live with her disease, at least that's been my experience in the past. I'd love to hear any feedback from anyone reading this.

Thanks!

She's gone

2011-04-24T15:33:00.001-04:00

I know everyone is celebrating Easter today, and I do wish everyone a Happy Easter. However this blog has never been about that. Today's blog is about my mother, and myself of course.

Yesterday was Saturday. The day was mostly consumed with my mother's departure. My hubby went over in the morning to help her load. He saw my uncle there and had a chance to get her perspective. Then hubby came home and hubby, daughter, and I went back to see my mother again. We all had lunch together and then went to her place. I won't go into all the mundane details of it all. However what I want to say is this- I did my best to listen and let her speak her piece. I certainly didn't agree with her point of view but I did my best to let her voice it. I did not shut her down even when she hurt my feelings and said things that I felt were outright lies. I let her talk. She saved the insults and the put-downs for when my husband was out of the room. She really is a master at this stuff. He would come back from doing something and see my silently shaking my head or whatever and not have any idea. I couldn't say much because my 5 year old daughter was there. Anyway she got to say her bit and I listened. I did my best to be positive, loving, and supportive. I did remind her that leaving was her choice. She didn't want to hear that but I did have to say it.

Somewhere between 8pm-2am she left. She's on the road now and won't move into her place in Florida until Thursday. As I told my daughter this morning all I can do is trust God and the angels to watch over her. It's not easy but I am powerless to help her now.

Finally today I got a chance to talk to my husband alone. I told him some of the things that my mother had said. He reassured me and gave me the piece of mind I was looking for. Yes we had some boundaries and yes we maintained them. We agreed on those boundaries for the well-being of our family and it was the right thing to do. We did not neglect her but we didn't allow ourselves to be her enablers either. Some of her comments were outright ridiculous. My brother was hurt that my mom didn't answer the phone when he called. She didn't answer the phone when I called either but she'd always be upset if I wasn't home to answer her calls. She didn't thank us for our help. She didn't say she would miss us. She just talked about herself and her problems and what she was going through.

At the end of the day my brother has his friends and family, and I have mine but my mom will probably be alone. Her choice. May god and our HPs watch over and comfort us all.

I'm not crying I swear!

2011-04-22T14:09:00.001-04:00

I'm 40 years old and I'm not going to cry, not going to cry, not going to cry!!

okay... I'm not going to cry where anyone can see me because no one understands anyway, not even my husband.

Dear Daughter I promise I will never abandon you. Never ever. I will never leave you and then make you feel like it's your fault that I am going. I promise.

No one can make you feel guilty unless you let them. I know. I know. It's her choice that she's going.

This would all be better if it was June and work was slower instead of April when I am so busy. Right? It's her fault for the lousy timing. She doesn't want my help anyway. If she did then she would do it my way. She'd listen to my needs. Why does everything always have to be about her anyway. Now I'm getting angry.

Dammitt!!! Why does it have to hurt so much? Every time she leaves me I take it personally. I know it's not personal. She is just living her own life. I just don't like it. I thought I was doing a good job of detaching but not today. Today everything is all twisted up. My husband wants to know when he'll get his wife back. Hopefully by next Saturday.

How do I explain leaving to my 5 year old?

I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Dammit!

Image by jimmy_ray via Flickr

the count down is real this time

2011-04-18T22:04:00.000-04:00

The count down has begun. My mom is scheduled to pack up on Saturday. My husband will help load the truck. Afterward we'll have some sort of goodbye lunch or something. Not sure exactly. Suddenly it doesn't seem real to me. I'm going into shock or something. It's so strange.

This is not the best timing for me. Is change EVER the best timing for us? I've got a busy week. So Saturday is just going to BE there. I had thought about trying to see her today but I didn't have the car and I knew she had other plans. Tuesday-Friday I have work. Thought about trying to get a day off but really I can't. I'll be doing well if I manage a long lunch some time to do some shopping for the Easter Bunny. So Saturday is just going to HIT and that will be it. On Sunday it will be Easter and we'll be doing that. Then the next week I'll be on edge waiting for word that she's safe. I don't think she'll have a phone. She hasn't given me her new address yet. And then it will just be. Just be putting one foot in front of the other like we always do, living our lives. God I hope she doesn't screw up and end up homeless down there. Hope she doesn't crash on the way. Hope... fear..... Let go and Let HP. Serenity Prayer. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Dear god please watch over her and everyone who comes in her path. Please, please please.

So unreal.

the Dance of Detachment

2011-04-11T13:53:00.000-04:00

Watching the dance of Detachment play out is really interesting. As my mother prepares to leave emotions are running high for all of us. My brother, my husband, my daughter, my mother, and myself are all reacting differently to the clock counting down to when she will be in Florida. My mother and my brother have been arguing. My brother wanted paperwork for something and my mom wouldn't hand it over. However when I talked to my brother (on Facebook admittedly) I got at what was really bothering him. He doesn't want her to move. He's worried about her being alone down there. He's mad at her because he cares. I respect that. I am worried too. I tried to tell him that we couldn't change her. She's an addict who always puts herself first and nothing we can say or do will change her. Later I called my mother and told her that he and I were on the same page. She got angry. "I thought you supported me on this..." Mom, I support you in being happy. I know you have to live your own life. I wouldn't choose this for you but I'm not going to stand in your way.

And so the dance goes on. She went to my daughter's art show but she went when she knew we weren't going to be there. She saw the art and the photos but not the performance. She met a teacher and chatted. I can only imagine how that went.

So the calendar is set for Saturday, April 23rd for her to load her truck. She hasn't paid for the truck yet so there is still a chance that all of this may be for nothing. This could still be a lot of build-up for nothing. Her move-in appointment at the new place is set for Thursday, April 28th but again who knows?

Nothing in life is set in stone. Once when I was a child, in 5th grade, she was getting ready to leave my step-father. We visited my new school, saw the apartment and toured the neighborhood. We loaded the moving truck. Then they talked it over and we unloaded everything. A few months later we loaded up again. This time I did not get to see my new school or the new apartment. That time it was real. We went and I never spent another night in that house since although my step-father is still there. So I know from painful experience that nothing with my mother is finite.

I am watching this dance, and playing my part in the dance, and crying on the inside mostly where no one can see me.

more about things with my mother

2011-03-30T22:58:00.001-04:00

We compromised on our birthdays. She ended up having her tag sale again on March 12th. So I brought my daughter with me and we visited the tag sale and delivered a birthday gift. I let my daughter have anything she wanted from the tag sale but I paid my mother for it all. My daughter especially wanted the glass stuff. She's not used to being allowed to have real glass and thought it was very special. I didn't argue.

I saw my mother again a couple of weeks later. She said she needed to clear out her safety deposit box at the bank and turn in her keys. I think I posted here that getting the keys was HUGE drama between us. This time I went alone, and did not bring my daughter. We went to the bank and lo and behold, my mom had cleared out the box the day before. She really, really did not want me seeing what was in there. We turned in the keys and signed all the forms etc. Went back to her place and talked for a bit and she loaded me up with more stuff she doesn't want. I did get a big box of old photo albums which is nice. I am eager to look at it but haven't had time yet. I thought I was going to bring home the final piece of furniture that I was getting from her but I couldn't move it myself. I had to send my husband back for it later in the day. Still, it's done now. That piece is in our living room now. I have another piece still in our basement that I want to move upstairs now that we have this and then we are DONE with furniture from my mom I think. Settled. She is taking some stuff to Florida that I may want some day, however I told her it's her stuff. She's alive and using it and that's the way it should be. I am not out to take away all her stuff. I'm just taking the big stuff now so that I don't have to rent a big truck for it later. I can put boxes in the trunk of a car easily enough in 10 years or whatever. That's no problem.

The strange thing is... I really don't know when I'll see her again once she goes down there. My daughter is already talking about visiting but when I mention it to my husband he is always like "Why? I hate Florida. It's hot there...." His mother is there too in a different town than my mom will be. Maybe daughter and I will go without him sometime. I don't know.

The three of us did go down a few years ago in September 2008 when my mom was still there. Then in July 2009 my mom came back up here. Our daughter doesn't remember 2008 though. All she remembers is the last year or two I guess. The joys of being a preschooler! This will be different for her, having grandma be away.

I think I'll be seeing my mother at least once more because daughter's birthday is coming up. Then after that it is all a question mark still. Maybe 2 or 3 times that I'll see her at most I guess. It looks like April is going to go fast and then she will be gone. There is a lot of relief that will come with this, but nervousness too. When she's here I worry about the harm she will cause to me. When she's gone I will worry about the harm she is causing to herself or others. There really is no perfect solution I guess.

Ah well. I just have to keep handing it over to my higher power. Hopefully someone somewhere will take care of her and keep her safe. In so many ways she's like a child or maybe a teenager. She needs someone to keep her out of jail. I hope she finds him/her soon.

Live and Let Live.

It's all about the boundaries folks

2011-03-10T23:56:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted lately in part because I don't have anything good to say. My mother has been pushing, pushing hard to keep me away. She is selling off her stuff because she needs money to move at the end of April. A week or so ago she told me NOT to come to her tag sale. She started a huge fight with me on the phone while I was at work (I had called her to see if she needed more boxes). Then she called my house and left a NASTY message on my answering machine. So glad my daughter didn't hear that one! Sheesh.. I wanted to call her back so badly, I literally stood looking at the phone holding my hands behind my back. I just stared at that phone and let the voices in my head sound off. But I didn't pick up the phone. I kept my Al-Anon going and I knew that making that phone call would not be NICE. It would not improve anything and it was not necessary. I left the phone alone. She hasn't called me since. Now our birthdays are here. She sent me a card and some cash. Hmm... an expensive card for someone claiming to be broke, and why did she send cash?? I plan to deliver her card on Saturday (her birthday is Sunday). I will return the cash she gave me in her card and I'm also going to give her some girl scout cookies. Nothing fancy. No taking her out for a meal or for ice cream. Just going to drop off the card. She may or may not be having her indoor tag sale again this weekend. If she is then she'll be home and dropping off the stuff will be easy. If she's out then I'll just leave it in the mailbox.

However I'm not using the birthdays as a "all is better now" thing. Just because she sent me a card and a gift does not mean all is forgiven for her rotten behavior on the phone concerning the tag sale. I understand that she is probably selling stuff I don't want her to sell and she doesn't want me to see her doing that. It's her stuff she can do what she wants. I am being respectful by not going to the tag sale. I am respecting her boundaries there. However it's too bad that she has chosen to be this way, and it's too bad she was so mean and nasty to me on the phone.

I feel badly for my daughter. She is getting cheated out of good grandmothers. My father's girlfriend helps sometimes but she has 5 other grandchildren of her own. She doesn't really need a step-grandchild very much. Oh well.. now I'm rambling.

Boundaries... and the serenity prayer are keeping me going these days and I'm still working that stuff every day.

Image via Wikipedia

Just another Sunday afternoon

2011-02-10T15:07:00.000-05:00

I was sitting in the kitchen, writing out the checks to pay the bills. My daughter was in the living room playing with her Barbies while my husband sat nearby surfing the web. I had just written out the check for preschool. It's THAT check in our budget that we cringe every time it comes around. It's bigger than our mortgage and we are counting down the months we have left on it.

Anyway, I had just written out that 4-figure check when the phone rang. We got rid of caller-id last year to save a few dollars so I always end up answering the phone. My mother was on the other end.

She started with a story about how she had gone to visit her safety-deposit box and some of her money was missing. Well she did give me a key to this box, but I have never used it. If I had used it I would have had to sign myself in and out. So she knows that I have never been there. Still the accusation started. When she failed to get me upset she moved on to a story about my brother. My brother is 30 years old now. He is deeply in debt with child support payments to four children. So he needs money. He had asked her for $100.00, then he cut it down to $50.00 a few days later. Would I help him out since she was running short? No, I would not. He is old enough to pay his own bills. Then she went back to her own story. She might not have enough money to move since she is coming up short on her savings. Um.... if my brother is old enough to pay his own bills at the age of 30, and she is 60 years old.... Yeah, she didn't get a nickel out of me. I politely told her I had bills of my own. I let her ramble and rant, but I didn't raise my voice.

When she had run out of steam and hot air, she hung up. Simple. So Simple. So glad I had my serenity in that moment. Thank you HP for helping me with my boundaries in that moment!

Keeping the focus on myself

2011-01-29T00:43:00.000-05:00

In Al-Anon we learn through the serenity prayer and our meetings to keep the focus on ourselves. We can't... er... *I* can't.. change the addict(s) in my life. I am powerless over them. I can only change myself. God (or Higher Power) give me the courage to change the things I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference...

2011 is all about change for me. It's about positive changes. I'm really trying to focus on the positive and BE a positive person. It's not easy and I don't do it well, but I am trying even if no one notices. The most obvious positive change is trying to lose weight. I started in September and I'm having some trouble in January but I'm not giving up. My next thing is giving up a message board that I've enjoyed for several years. I like it but it has it's negative moments and I think it's better for me to let it go. Like a relationship where you really love the other person but you know you'd both be better off with some more space. Will I be able to keep the online friends I've made there? I don't know yet. Too soon to tell I suppose. I've taken my first steps though and am willing to risk it.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.... I cannot change my mother. She will either stay in the area or move back to Florida. Nothing I say or do will make a difference. I know that in my heart. Today she may try to twist my words and get me to say something I did not say. She may try to blame me for her life, but really I am not getting involved. I will help when I can if I am asked but I am not doing this for her and I am not preventing it either. She will be 61 this year. 61 going on 16, but still 61.

I heard a story last week or this week about a 15 year old killed in Florida. He and his buddy were walking back from Taco Bell and got hit, maybe from behind, by a driver who didn't stop. The buddy lived and managed to call for help. The other kid was not so lucky. The police managed to track down the driver, a 50 year old named Kim.

This is the kind of phone call I fear I will get some day. The driver will be my mother, if she is fortunate enough to ever get a car again. I can't imagine how I will respond, but I don't need to imagine it either. I am not going to live in fear. I am grateful that for today she does not have a car to use as a weapon. I must have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and I must Let Go and Let God do whatever will be done. I cannot save the world from my mother. I can only save my family as much as possible.

I'm rambling here and I am sorry. I hope that whatever happens in her life in the next few months is good for her. I don't think she will ever have peace, but I hope she gets answers as to where she will be living, and I hope she can rest again soon. In the meantime she's packing. Destination unknown. Departure date unknown.

And I am home with my husband and daughter, and counting my blessings and being grateful for what I have. I have the wisdom to know the difference. I have the desire to change my life for the better. I will walk away from drama with my mother and I will walk away from drama with my friends and I will be a better person because of it.

celebrating sobriety

2011-01-26T11:25:00.000-05:00

An online friend of mine is celebrating a year of being sober. She posted about it here--

http://www.trainstutusandteatime.com/2011/01/365-days.html?showComment=1296058947108#c102257722679923734

Feel free to drop her a line and lend your support. :-)

Gotta get rid of that Stinking Thinking!!

2011-01-20T22:46:00.000-05:00

My goodness! If there is one thing I can do well it is definitely go on a self-pity trip. I have been whining and feeling sorry for myself all day, probably even longer than that.. maybe even for the past two weeks. Sheesh! I really caught myself today. "I want... I can't afford... I don't dare ask .... I wish I could but I can't....." wow! What a mess this woman is! I feel bad for some of the people who heard it, but I also know that I said it to myself louder than I said to anyone else. At least today I heard it. I am more aware of it today. Maybe I can stop it. I need to be practicing that old Serenity Prayer... courage to change what I can and wisdom to know the difference.... yeah. I need to be doing that. Need a little courage and a little wisdom to help me through it. Marriage and money are not easy things. So I just need to suck it up and get through this. January is never easy on so many levels but it's only got 10 days left. Let's rock the rest of it out and move on!

Image by gumption via Flickr

We have a date!

2011-01-17T11:03:00.000-05:00

My mother called the other day. She has given notice on her apartment for May 1st. That is the date she will be out of her apartment. She is hoping to move to Port Richie, FL but the place in FL told her not to apply until March 1st so now she's in limbo. She's trying to sell her furniture already. I thought the date was pretty firm but when I talked to her today she started wavering again. So I guess I can't really put it on the calendar after all. In her phone call today she started talking about some of her fears regarding her felony and misdemeanor charges from a couple of years ago. I cut her off. She has lied to me so much about that stuff that I didn't really want to hear anymore.

I thought I'd be happy to have this date on the calendar but I'm a little sad. That surprises me. I have such mixed feelings and that is catching me off guard. I know in the long term it is good for everyone and I will be thankful during the holidays etc.

It's so sad to watch it happening....

2011-01-10T20:25:00.000-05:00

I have known it was going to be like this, sort of, for a long time. My mother has been an addict for so long. My grandmother always bailed her out. My grandmother gave her money, gave her cars, pretended not to hear about the arrests and all the bad news... a lot of times of course my mother didn't give her the bad news. My grandmother needed to be "protected" because too much bad news would .. anyway... my grandmother is gone now, has been for over a year. So here I am watching this unfold sort of... my mom has a brother who is a few years older than her. He has fought his own addictions but he has lived a married life, raised 3 children, has stayed "stable" in spite of whatever demons he was fighting. My mother meanwhile did not stay in one place and ... well I was reading a description the other day and I thought it fit her pretty well....it was a description of antisocial personality disorder. Now my mother is a pretty social person however she is also a star at manipulation and can have charisma when she chooses to turn it on. She knows how to get what she wants, how to play all the games, and how to lie, cheat, and steal to meet her goals.

So where am I going with this? Her enabler is gone (my grandmother) and my mother still has her diseases and disorders and is not going to get better. At Christmas she was trying to take it easy with the cigarettes because she wanted us to visit us, but when I saw her New Years Day she admitted that she'd had a bottle of rum and a pack of cigarettes on New Years eve. Not that she needed to confess to me or anything she ws just telling me that she was feeling wrecked and hung-over I think.

Now she is trying to figure out where to live again. She never stays anywhere for more than a year or two and the process of relocating is a constant stress in her life. Her apartment didn't pass Section 8 inspection and she's not sure if the landlord is motivated to try to get it to pass so one way or another she will have to move. The question of course will be "where?" I am not giving any opinions. She seems happier in Florida. She likes the weather there. Okay, maybe I am giving an opinion.. she should go where she is happy. I do not know what will happen to her there though. I fear that I am going to get a phone call from a police officer or a doctor... she'll be in jail or in a hospital... and then what? Will I bail her out? I think she knows better than that. Still it's hard to watch. I hope she doesn't become homeless. That would be really, really tough. No one wants that for their loved one. It seemed like she was on the verge of that a few years ago when she almost got busted for drugs. I forget what magic she worked to get out of it. I think she plead down to a lower charge or something. She never did tell me the full story. Anyway, it's sad.

I was hoping that she'd grow up some day. That some day she'd be the adult, be responsible, and beat her addictions. She's 60 now and it's obvious to me that it's never going to happen. Both her parents are gone, her brother has fought cancer, she's a grandmother herself, and none of that matters to her. She still lives the life of addict who doesn't want help. It's hard to explain to my preschooler.

I really have to let go and let HP work because I am powerless and I know it. It still hurts to see it though. I wish I could wake her up and change her and yet I know I never can.

Image via Wikipedia

Merry Christmas!!

2010-12-23T20:21:00.000-05:00

I'm holding onto my boundaries with people in my life. I took some extra time off from work because I was sick and because my daughter didn't have school so I feel like I am doing a decent job of putting family first so that's good too. I'm actually kind of relaxed going into Christmas, and I'm usually a stress case so this year... on December 23rd anyway... is better than it has been in the past.

Tomorrow we will see my mother. Plan is for lunch with her and then going to her apartment to exchange gifts. I hope it goes okay. It will have to be quick at her apartment because of the cats and the smoke but since she is recovering from surgery I thought it was fair that we went to her place, as long as we don't eat there. I hope I don't regret that tomorrow.

Anyway, no one is coming here so I don't have to clean. The gifts are wrapped, the groceries have been bought, everything has been done I think that needs done and I can't usually say that this far ahead. So all is good.

Now we just have to get through it. Merry Christmas everyone!!

Image via Wikipedia

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-11T19:20:00.000-05:00

I'm still out here in cyberspace. I've been busy with a weight loss blog, and I have been doing okay with that FOG stuff and boundaries with my mother. Haven't figured out how to apply the FOG to my marriage. Not that my husband is blackmailing me or anything- he's not. I just know that I act out of feelings of FOG sometimes. We probably both do, and you can see it with our finances especially. We both want each other to be happy and we overspend as a result.

Oh well... those are problems for another day I suppose. We're working as a team on other fronts such as our daughter's education which is undergoing some changes during the next few weeks. Things we have no control of are happening so we have to decide how to respond. On Monday night my husband will attend a meeting to gather more information on the situation and then we will have to decide what course of action to take. Trying to practice the Serenity Prayer over and over in my head. Right now I'm feeling like we may have flushed $25,000 or so down the drain. Not a good feeling!

Anyway, life goes on. I am managing my boundaries, trying to stay out of trouble, not doing a great job of losing weight but trying.... and looking forward to Christmas somehow. :-)

Happy Holidays!

Image via Wikipedia

Emotional Blackmail

2010-11-12T15:43:00.000-05:00

I am currently reading a book about emotional blackmail. It's not Al-Anon approved literature but it's basically about setting boundaries and breaking yourself out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). So much of it is common sense type stuff. It's about detachment with love, and coping with the reactions of the blackmailer etc. It's good stuff I think. I'm reading it slowly and trying to absorb it. I don't want to read it while my kid is bugging me every two minutes so I am not finding a lot of time to do the reading, but I'm getting through it. I think it will help me with these boundaries that I am struggling with. The book is by Susan Forward, and there seems to be a lot of write-ups on the internet already about it so I'd guess it's been around for a while.

Image by moriza via Flickr

Calling all Adult Children of Alcoholics! Help me here please!

2010-11-06T00:00:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm really done. I mean it. I'm tired of empty threats from the alcoholic parent. I'm tired of empty threats from myself. I want to be DONE with the drama. She's been bothering me for weeks. I keep stepping back, hoping she's calmed down, and then I pick up the phone and try to reach out to her only to have her go nuts again. She's not that far away right now, less than 20 miles, but I haven't seen her in a while. So at the beginning of the week she left some crazy messages on the answering machine. I waited until tonight to call her back because I didn't want to feed into the insanity. She started right up though. 20 minutes later she's in tears slamming down the phone for the 3rd time and I'm angry that I got sucked into another fight that I wasn't looking for. I want this to END. I know my daughter deserves to have grandparents in her life, but this grandparent doesn't possess the qualities I want her to see. This grandparent is untrustworthy and mean and a huge blackmailer.
So what do I do? How do I make it end? Do I confront her and let her know that I am cutting her off? Do I tell her why (not sure I can explain it anyway, and she's so irrational she won't understand etc)? Or do I just stop returning phone calls and let it "slip away"? My father has been divorced from her since I was less than 2 years old (he says she cheated on him). He says that if I cut her out of my life completely I will regret it later. I don't know. She's been gone from my life before for months at a time (her choice). The difference now is that she is older and not in good health. Well she's never been in good health. That's always been one of her ways of getting at me with her blackmail.. but anyway... I keep asking myself "How much more do I have to take before I am allowed to walk away?" and if I am allowed to choose when to walk away then I want to do it soon and get it done with. There is a CHANCE that she will move away in April or June next year, but it's not a guarantee. So I could wait until then and just let her go but that seems like a long time to wait, especially with the holidays on the horizon.
So if you've got any advice or experience on this, please...!!! I'd love to hear it. I'm exhausted from this roller coaster ride that I've been living on for the last nearly 40 years and I think it's time to get off.

thank you.

I am grateful

2010-11-04T16:11:00.002-04:00

I don't post about my gratitude much on this blog. I live it, feel it, mediate on it often, but I don't post it in every post. Someone else has that blog, and it's not me. :-)

Today I am grateful for rain instead of snow.
I am grateful that I did not marry the drug addict so many years ago. I am grateful not to be living with an alcoholic spouse.
Today I am grateful that I have not yet lost my father. (I hope that day is far in the future. The passing of that final grandparent a few weeks ago brings that thought closer to my heart.)

I am grateful that I can hang up the phone.
I am grateful for a supportive husband.
I am grateful to be reminded of the innocence of youth by being blessed with a beautiful daughter.

Today I am grateful for a home, food, heat in the house, a car, and all the things that we usually take for granted because I know for myself I have not always had these things.

Image via Wikipedia

I think I can set my calendar now

2010-11-02T20:13:00.001-04:00

It seems from looking at this blog that every month around the 24th or 25th my mother and I have an argument. Not necessarily a real argument but she goes off on me and I end up wanting to cry, trying to detach, and asking myself if I have to continue this relationship with her.

On October 24th my grandmother was being buried. My mom was on the edges then, complaining about me not spending enough time with her. When she realized she'd been outranked by my father's family she backed off. After the burial my mother went to the cemetery to visit her parents' grave (same cemetery as my fathers' parents) and then she made some crack to me on the phone about how my father's family hadn't put enough flowers on my grandmother's grave. I was speechless at her lack of tact, but I didn't feel guilty because I knew that I had put flowers there even if no one else did. I guess this was her way at striking back at me for not spending time with her.

Then we had my father's birthday and Halloween. Well really, my father's birthday was November 1st, and she couldn't wait. She called me during the day yesterday and left a message. It angered me. I called her back and left a short but simple message that was direct and detached. Today she called again with 2 more messages, plus she managed to run into my father during the day and tried to get him on her side as well. Much to my amusement I heard about the encounter from my father's point of view and was glad to hear he had supported me (even though he didn't know about last night's game of message tag).

SO here we are again. The Holidays are coming. My husband and I have agreed on boundaries for Thanksgiving (we will not have her in our house, and we will not visit hers, we can meet in a public place). My mother is trying to change that, but I have my husband's support and I am strong.

Of course Thanksgiving and Christmas both fall in that window of 24th-25th when she seems to come after me. Should make for another eventful holiday season if I don't figure out something out soon.

trying to do my part

2010-10-25T15:41:00.000-04:00

The service was on Saturday. We had to wait for out of town relatives, some in their 70s. I took Friday off to spend with family and I was glad I did. Yesterday, Sunday, I did not return to my uncle's house and I felt odd about it. I think it was just a gathering for the others though. A time for the brothers and wives to gather and remember in the aftermath.

When my maternal grandmother passed away last year I was there for my mother. I spent most of a week with her, visiting the funeral home, helping with arrangements, etc. This time it's different. My father doesn't need me as much and I feel a little lost. I am trying to let go though. I am trying to listen and be available and yet not get in the way. It's a struggle, but I am trying.

It's a good lesson Let Go and Let God, and that's what I am trying to do today.

and she's gone

2010-10-18T16:49:00.000-04:00

I got to see her one last time. On Friday she was moved from the hospital back to the nursing home. My father was there for her all day in the hospital, and then there at the nursing home to help her settle back in. On Saturday the hospice came, and the doctor, and my dad of course. On Sunday I was finally permitted to come and sit for a bit. I didn't stay too long. My father told me to keep it short and sweet and so I did.

This morning I got the call from him that she had gone during the night. He had gone home in the evening to do laundry, to eat, to do normal things like sleep.

It's funny this thing. I didn't think this one would be so hard. I bought new black boots. My husband got a haircut. We canceled our vacation plans. And now we sit and wait for the date because relatives must arrive from out of town.

saying goodbye

2010-10-14T16:16:00.000-04:00

Tonight I have to go to the hospital and try to say goodbye to my last remaining grandparent. My paternal grandmother is going. I saw her the other night and I thought she was going to be okay, but last night she took a turn for the worst. My father is trying to gather the family around- his 3 brothers are all out of state- and invite any who want to to come when they can. I'm not sure how long she has, only she knows that I guess.

She doesn't have cancer. She beat that already. She's just tired and old I guess. I thought she'd go next summer honestly, but I guess she's decided to go sooner. I'm not really ready for this, and I don't think my father is either. I need to be there for him though so I am doing what I can, which probably won't be enough.

I'm not as close to her as I was to my maternal grandmother, but my dad has taken care of her for most of his adult life in some form or another. He took care of his father too. My grandmother has been in nursing care for many years due to mental health problems, but he has been there advocating for her care. He brings her the candy she likes, the slippers she needs, the news she wants to hear. He has been her best friend I think for so long. I am so sad for him now.

I just want to put my head down and cry

2010-09-24T16:24:00.000-04:00

I have felt like this all day. I just want to put my head down and cry. I am so tired of ... everything. Every day we battle with the 4-year old to get her ready for school in the morning. Every morning she nags us about wanting more toys and not wanting to go to school. Every morning it is the same old battle. Yesterday she was on my case because I was trying to do some exercises while she was talking to me. I'm sorry kid, but I am trying to lose weight and I barely have time to go to the bathroom by myself, much less workout. I have to do this stuff sometime. Geez....

My husband's birthday is approaching and not every day, but often I hear about the things he would like to get for his birthday. None of them are cheap. Every day I look at the yard that is a mess. Every day I look at the bathroom that is "not quite finished". Every day I hold my tongue and try not to voice all that is inside me about how I feel about these things. Then he says "Maybe I could build a doll house for Christmas..." Um... honey? Seriously? When would she get that? 2011??? I can't say that though. I just nod and smile for now. When we get closer I can see what he is really thinking.

My mother called yesterday and she never leaves just one message, she always leaves 2. I was reaching for something to eat before the second message even began. Dumb! I stopped myself. After all these years she still drives me to eat, even a message on the machine. My own doing I know, but still it gets to me.

We have a busy weekend ahead, and possibly a busy week beyond that. Meanwhile my 40 free hours on Pandora have run out, and I am having trouble finding music I like to fill the last hour of my Friday afternoon at work. Bureaucracy has left me many times feeling like I should be slamming my head against a wall lately. How am I going to survive the next 20 years here??? I don't know. I can only hope to hang on, somehow, some way.

Sigh. Even though I sleep when I should, and exercise, I still feel like just putting my head down and crying myself to sleep. I can't though. It's only 4:15pm.

Be well bloggerville.

Tari

Courage to Change, memories of Step 5

2010-09-22T12:49:00.001-04:00

This morning my "Courage to Change" book fell off the table as I was reaching for my hairbrush. I flipped it open to today's reading and saw the page about Step 5, admitting our faults.

I remember doing this many years ago. I had a boyfriend who felt he had been wronged. In an effort to "make things right" I gave him access to my journals and diaries. Big Mistake!! Instead of seeing me as an honest person he seemed to get more paranoid and more upset. I'm not sure why, but in hindsight it was probably the drugs he was on. Nothing I could have done back then could have saved that relationship, but I tried anyway.

I think Step 5 needs to come with it's own manual. Admitting your faults and mistakes to an addict can really backfire. It's not like they are going to reciprocate the favor and do their own Step 5. Instead the addict might take that information and hold it against you for a long, long time. I have learned this a couple of times in my life. I have tried to do Step 5 with my mother, admitting when I was rude or could have treated her better. It does me no good though. She only uses it against me later. "You said yourself you are lousy at...." sigh.

Step 5 is good for keeping me responsible for my actions now though. If I make a mistake at work I try not to cover it up. I try to own up to it "I tried really hard on this but I still screwed it up". "Oh that? Yeah I did that. Sorry.".

So go do your step 5s, but do them with caution. It's dangerous stuff if you've got an active addict on your list.
Also remember there is nothing on there that says you have to admit "the exact nature of our wrongs" to the person we have wronged. You can admit them to anyone, even a stranger on the street. :-)

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

a week already??

2010-09-17T16:22:00.000-04:00

Sigh. A week has gone by and I haven't posted. How sad. I did have a couple of brief interactions with my mother this week. Also my brother dropped his Facebook account (again), effectively cutting me out of his life. The only way I have to keep tabs on him is through FB. Oh well. I don't know if it was my fault or not that he dropped it. I might have been the cause. My mother called me in an effort to reach him (supposedly) and I sent him a message on FB saying she was trying to reach him. Then I told her that he was alive at least since he had updated his status at some point over the weekend. Then he pulled the plug on his account. His loss and mine. We aren't close but I like knowing what's going on in his life even if it's just a message that says "I'm all alone and drinking, come on by...". Now I won't even have that for a while.

On a more personal note, as I posted before I am trying to lose weight. I am surprised (or not surprised) to see some commonalities between the weight-loss and Al-Anon. The website I am using is very much of the "take what you like and leave the rest" approach. Everything you do is really up to you to do it. There is a lot of middle ground. Don't want the diet, then leave it and eat what you want. Want to track what you eat? Great, here's how to do that. Community, health, nutrition, fitness, etc... it's all there if you want it. Message boards, teams, challenges, friends... take it or leave it. This is good for me. I'm not "failing". I can go at my own pace and take what I like and leave the rest without spending a dime. So far I'm liking a lot of it, but I'm doing my own food. I'm leaving their diet alone because it doesn't work for me. The pounds are coming off though, at least for now. Here's hoping I can keep it going because it's a long, long road. I want to be healthy by the time I'm 40.

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

independence

2010-09-11T22:56:00.000-04:00

Not sure if that is the right title for this. I'm still kind of working on it. "Freedom" is not what I'm looking for either. Someone might say "Selfish" fits.

Today is 9/11 and I could say a lot about that, and the history of 9/11/01. Or I could talk about 9/11/2009, the day I buried my grandmother. I'm not going to talk about that.

Live in the moment. Live in today. You can't change the past. Today. Today I had a plan. I refused to let my plan be taken from me. I refused to stay home and miss the fun. Instead I left my husband at his friend's house and I took our daughter to the fair. Then I did the unthinkable. I LEFT THE CELL PHONE IN THE CAR for nearly 6 hours while we had fun at the fair. I didn't do it on purpose initially, but when I realized what I had done I didn't go back for it. If I needed to know what time it was I simply looked for someone with a watch. I knew my husband was on-call and his beeper could go off and he might need the car. I also knew he had friends with cars and he was with them. So I relaxed and my daughter had a blast I think. She told me she loved all of it, and she really wants to go back tomorrow. I think my husband wants to go tomorrow too. I think he's curious about what he missed. I might just indulge them. I had fun too. :-)

There was a certain freedom, a certain independence in leaving that phone behind. No email, no phone, no one could reach us, and yet we weren't alone. If WE had an emergency we were absolutely covered being in a crowded place with lots of emergency staff on hand if need be, etc and I could always get back to the car if I had to. When we were done at the fair and got back to the car I called my husband and went to get him (he wasn't where I had left him) and the three of us had dinner together and came home. So I didn't ditch him permanently, just in case you are wondering. ;-) But wow, a whole afternoon having fun with my daughter and no one could reach us and make us do something different. We did what we wanted to, and mostly we agreed on what to do. Only a few arguments, but that is typical with a 4 year old. She was so happy when I told her at the end of the day that she had been a good kid and I'd had fun too.

Image by Nemo's great uncle via Flickr

for Teresa- my nightmare

2010-09-07T15:07:00.000-04:00

I just read Teresa's blog here. It brought back instant memories and nightmares. Recurring nightmares that I still have. In addition to the normal nightmares about being back in high school or back at an old job, I have nightmares about finding my way home. Often there are cats that need to fed. Sometimes in the nightmares I have been away for months or years. Sometimes I am living with my mother and my brother, and sometimes my daughter is part of the dream as well. It changes from time to time, but theme is the same. I'm lost and I'm trying to find where I belong. Doesn't take an expert to figure this stuff out for me. I'm hoping some day the nightmares go away, but for now I'm stuck with them, and the lack of sleep that goes with them.

happiness

2010-09-04T23:18:00.000-04:00

I posted that Hazelden link as much for myself as anyone else. I stumbled on it at work and I wanted to make sure I had access to it from my computers at home and elsewhere. So I stuck it here.

It's good stuff I think. I saw a quote there today that I like it said:

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
—Abraham Lincoln"

Reminds me of a book I saw called "You can choose to be happy", which is pretty much something my father has said to me from time to time. He says it mostly about other people, like when I'm worried about someone else's depression. He said it about my grandmother who was depressed after my grandfather passed away. He said again when my daughter was adjusting to new day care. I remember the first weeks of sending her there. It was so awful to leave her at the center and see her cry and know that she just sat on a bench all day watching the other kids play. I felt like the worst parent in the world, but I couldn't quit my job. My dad said "She'll be happy when she wants to be happy." He was right. One day she just got out of the car without having to be carried in. She put her stuff away and joined the group. She was like a different person, like someone had flipped a switch. She had chosen to be happy.

Today my husband, my daughter, and myself encountered my mother in the parking lot at the grocery store. My husband saw her first, and ducked his head back in the car and said "Your mother is 2 spots away, putting her groceries away." My daughter said "Quick! Let's hide from her." My husband whisked her out of the far side of the car and into the store. Meanwhile I stayed calm and went over and said "Hello". I told my mom that my daughter had an urgent potty mission. That wasn't a lie, but I left out the conversation that happened in the car. I chatted with my mom briefly and pleasantly and promised to buy her some flower bulbs that she can plant in the cemetery. That seemed to make her happy. Then I rejoined my husband and daughter in the store. A brief visit on neutral ground seemed to be about all I could handle of my mother. She wasn't mean this time, but that doesn't mean that she won't be awful next time. Focus on today though, and today was okay.

Thought for the Day -- Hazelden

2010-09-03T16:35:00.002-04:00

Thought for the Day -- Hazelden

Just a quick post

2010-09-03T14:14:00.000-04:00

So the big day of weight loss came and went. I read with sadness about the death of a married 29 year old woman with 2 kids who died. Once again she is/was a friend of an acquaintance. I did not know her personally, but reading her Facebook page I can tell that the death came suddenly and my suspicion is that it was a suicide or accidental overdose. Meanwhile memorial services were held today for the other woman who died. One of the services was right outside my window at work, in the courtyard garden. I watched but did not participate.

Next week will be the anniversary of my grandmother passing away. It's hard to believe that it's been a year already.

My husband and I are struggling to find... something that we've misplaced between us. I don't want to post about that. I feel like I've got a lot of negative inside me and it's my stuff and I need to work on it, but then at the same time I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and just get through my daily life. Really I'd like to withdraw from the world and have a good cry, a long drive maybe, or a long walk or something... it's not going to happen though. I need to be here. Now.

Lunch is over. My paperwork awaits me.

Image by LEMBOT via Flickr

What happens when we aren't paying attention

2010-08-31T15:15:00.001-04:00

Thanks for your comments about the Burning Man link that I posted.

This is what happens when I'm not paying attention. I actually have 3 blogs now. (I just started a new one this week.) I had MEANT to post that link on one of the other blogs. If I had done that hardly anyone would have seen it probably, and I doubt I would have gotten any comments. Instead I posted it here even though it had nothing really to do with Al-Anon, and look at that... some of you liked it! :-)

So now I have your attention let me tell you about the third blog. I'm not going to give you a link and tell you to read it though. It's about taking care of me. Today is -1. Tomorrow is September 1st and I am setting goals for myself to lose weight and eat better. Tomorrow I begin. I've been warming up to this for about a week, but tomorrow is the official start date. The ice cream is out of the freezer and chips are no longer going on my plate. By the middle of March I want to see a lower number on that scale. I have a number in mind of course. I don't know if my plan is drastic enough to get to that number but I guess time will tell. My third blog is about losing that weight and it is tied into the website that I am using to help motivate me in that direction.

My husband has done quite well in losing the pounds, and if he can do it I know I can do it too.I am going to miss my friends Ben, Jerry, Bart, Breyer, and a few others but I know what I want for my birthday and it's up to me to make it happen.

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Recommended viewing

2010-08-30T16:05:00.000-04:00

Check this out folks. Today is Day One. Looks pretty windy.

http://www.ustream.tv/burningman

Image via Wikipedia

Gratitude

2010-08-30T12:52:00.000-04:00

I saw a man in the office supply store yesterday. He had 2 kids with him, one in the cart seat and the other one walking beside him. Probably both under the age of 5. A dad out on a Sunday with his kids, maybe buying back-to-school stuff, not sure.

Then I saw the man's leg. It was metal.

I'm not sure what his story is and it's none of my business. It's a reminder though. Life could be worse for me.

When I am soaking in the self-pity I need to remind myself, and I need to be grateful that whatever his story is, it isn't mine. Attitude of Gratitude, one day at a time.

Suicide or accidental death

2010-08-27T16:25:00.000-04:00

One of the student workers died this week. I just got the news today. I also knew some friends outside of work who knew her. The whole story isn't out yet but it sounds like she overdosed on prescription medication. Whether it was accidental or on purpose I am not sure. Speculation is on both sides, and it doesn't really matter because the outcome is the same. The young woman had lost her boyfriend a month or so before when he committed suicide so I am sure she was depressed.

Whenever I hear a story like this it reminds me of those times when I have been down myself. I have attempted suicide more than once but it seems like a lifetime ago now. Whenever a doctor asks me if I've been that depressed I lie and say no because it really does feel like a different life since I met my husband. Still today I am remembering standing on the wrong side of the bridge that goes over the river, and swallowing too many pills. The pills didn't do what I wanted them to do, obviously, and I chickened out on the bridge thankfully.

Somewhere, somehow, a higher power had a different plan for me. I am grateful for that today. "There but for the grace of God go I..." as the saying goes. Today I may not always have serenity but I do have gratitude.

My heart goes out to the family, friends, and coworkers who have lost one or two friends this summer too.

I've been invited to another fight it seems

2010-08-26T21:56:00.000-04:00

I came home from work today and found a package on my steps. Inside the bag were small photo albums that I had made and given to my mother over the past 4 years. There were also some in frames. Most are photos of my daughter, and a few are of me, my brother, my (late) grandmother, and my mom. The letter explains that some of these are duplicates, but I know I only gave her one "Christmas 2008" album.

Image via Wikipedia

The letter also says things like she wishes we could be friends in spite of our differences but she doesn't want to get too involved either. She says something negative about her own mother which of course I disagree with. She says she misses her granddaughter.

Really??? Then why did she come over to the house and return all these pictures that we sent her as gifts?
I think she expected me to call her, and part of me thinks that I am "supposed to" call her. That's the polite thing, right? I am too angry though. I can't think of anything nice to say. It wasn't nice of her to give back the gifts we gave her. I don't feel like saying "thank you" for that. So I haven't called her. I don't want to fight. The package seems to have a dual message to me. It feels like she is saying "I hate you" and "I miss you" at the same time, and I don't know what to do with that.

I have to remind myself that we aren't speaking for a reason. She lies to me, she called me bad names, she is dishonest and mean. I can't trust her and I know she will hurt me. Even though she seems to be reaching out to me I have to protect myself, and my family. So the phone stays silent and I feel guilty about it.

Image via Wikipedia

the last post about this I think

2010-08-24T16:38:00.000-04:00

I know I've posted a lot about the home improvement project, and you're all probably a bit sick of it. This project has been in the planning stages for a long time and it is so wonderful that it is finally happening, and now nearly complete.

Image by Eyes4guys via Flickr

We came home Saturday and the weekend was rough. Things did not go smoothly Saturday morning and we had to call a friend for help. On Sunday we realized that the old toilet was leaking and a new one had to be purchased at the orange store and installed. Luckily we got a great deal on it.

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Anyway, things are functional again. There is still cleanup work to be done, but we are home and are settling in. 8 days in a hotel has taken its toll on all of us. It wasn't really a vacation and my husband and I are both pretty tired and fried. Serenity has been hard to find.

I did manage to get out Saturday with our daughter and listen to some good music and see my dad. That was fun! I don't have much real fun in my life, and I was glad I made the drive and did it.

Back in the "real world" I need to buckle down. I've been catching up on reading some blogs although I haven't commented much. Sorry folks. I'm not as good as Syd is about that stuff, but I am out here and I am reading. I am trying to get back to normal, whatever normal is. Easy does it.

The light at the end of the tunnel

2010-08-20T16:32:00.000-04:00

We finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel on Wednesday night or Thursday morning. With the subfloor in place, and the tub in place our house began to feel whole again. On Thursday I did the floor, not perfectly I admit. On Thursday night my husband fixed some of my mistakes but let others stay. A reminder to us someday that this project was done by us, humans, not perfect, just learning as we go.

Image via Wikipedia

Tomorrow morning we will leave the hotel. I think we are all homesick by now, and rather looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to the mess of home, but I am looking forward to having a kitchen and a yard again. It will be nice not to have to plan an activity and a restaurant every night. As much as I like swimming every day, I am ready for a break.

Image by Sarah and Jason via Flickr

When we get home we will need to finish the tub and the toilet. Hopefully the child will cooperate. Then we'll go do some fun things that we want to do. I'll let the husband hang with his friends, and I'll take the child to a small-town fair probably. The tub will dry. Eventually we'll need groceries, a shower curtain, and a few other things. Eventually it will get done.

In the meantime life goes on. My mother has left messages on the home machine which I have not returned. I figure I don't need to since I'm not home and not really hearing them. I'm just getting the news from my husband. Also a visit to my doctor's office this week told me that the "tests came back fine". They can't find anything wrong with me, but if I want to see a specialist for the pain a referral is available. What to do?

For this weekend I plan to just go with the flow. I'm looking forward to pajamas on a Sunday morning, maybe with coffee and pancakes. On Sunday I don't want to have to be anywhere or have anything planned. :-)

Image via Wikipedia

Still breathing...

2010-08-17T13:17:00.000-04:00

Things did not go well. I started getting the updates right away on Friday. The biggest problem with the home repair project is that the previous owners didn't remove the old flooring, they simply built on top of it. Their laziness has caused my husband many, many hours of extra work. Losing power due to a thunderstorm didn't help things either. Whatever the reasons are, they don't really matter. The reasons, or excuses as some may say, are out of my control. I have to accept what IS. I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter how we got here, what matters is dealing with where we are now. Anger will not help. I am allowing myself to feel disappointment. I think that is acceptable. I am disappointed, very disappointed, but I am not angry. What I am doing now is working that Serenity Prayer and pulling at it. What can I change and what can't I change. What do I do next?

Image via Wikipedia

On Monday morning we checked out of the hotel, got the kid a special lunch from Panera to bring to school, and returned the rental truck (sad to see that go). Then we went home together, just the two of us.

I had been warned. I knew in words what I was going home to see, but seeing it was still hard. Before I even got out of the car I was holding back the tears. After surveying the situation, and having the power go out while we were there in the house, we left. I brought my husband to work and found a place to do laundry. At the laundromat I used the internet to find another hotel. I booked it without checking with my husband first, and I booked it through until Friday morning. I don't know if that will be enough time. We might still need it Friday night, but we can extend the reservation if we need to I think. It's not the best hotel, and I'm afraid of the swimming pool because I know that at least one person has died in it. However it does have wireless internet and a microwave and refrigerator in the room (which our weekend hotel did not have). Really, I want to go home. I'm tired of eating out, I miss my yard, and I'm tired of entertaining a child. Thank goodness she's in school during the day at least.

Home repairs are never easy. Being married isn't always easy. Being a parent isn't easy. Trying to do all 3, plus work full-time.. not easy. We will get through this. We will survive. It could be worse. Soon this will all be a memory. I am still breathing.

Image via Wikipedia

Breathe in... breathe out

2010-08-12T15:49:00.000-04:00

This is one of those times that I'm caught off guard. I didn't expect this to be so hard and yet here I am. My husband and I are pulling at each other. I am constantly reminded by myself and by him to detach and let go. This time it's letting go of my husband. We have a home repair project that as I write this is probably underway at least a little bit. My husband is in charge and is doing most of the work himself. However I keep butting in. "Shouldn't you be doing this? Did you think about that....?" and his reply "Do you trust me or not honey? I told you I can do this, now get out of my way and let me do this. You have your own list..."

and he's right of course. My job is to stay out of his way for the yesterday and today. Then tomorrow I take orders and help out as needed. Then Saturday and Sunday my job is to keep the child away from the house and entertained. I got to pick the hotel at least. :-)

Today my husband called me at work a few times and told me of the "discoveries" he was making. Added layers of work, added money to be spent at the big orange store, added time spent doing the work.

I plan to leave our house on Friday afternoon, after helping him for the day. On Monday I hope to return to a functioning home, that functions the way that it does today with all the things working. In the meantime I need to be practicing and practicing my letting go and letting god, my detaching, trust, the serenity prayer, and living one hour at a time.

Of course it doesn't end there either. On Saturday and Sunday I'll be mostly in "single parent mode" and I will be negotiating with our child what we will do, where we will spend our time, where we will eat, etc. It will be a seesaw ride of trying to keep her busy while not wearing myself out too much. She's got more energy than I do I think, and it can be hard to keep up. :-)

It's all worth it if things go well, and if things don't go well... well I don't want to think about that yet. I just need to get through the rest of this afternoon first. This moment, here, this blog post, etc.

Image via Wikipedia

Can someone help me?

2010-08-10T14:30:00.000-04:00

I was trying to clean out my blog reader list. There are some blogs I had that hadn't been updated in a LONG time. Somehow though I managed to let go of one that was current, one that I like to read. I can't remember the name of it. All I can remember is that the last thing I read said that the blogger's mother was "dancing her last dance" and that the blog would be quiet for a few days.

Do any of you who read this know which blog this is? Can you help me reconnect to it? I am so sad to be missing this.

Thank you!

Will anyone believe me?

2010-08-03T15:34:00.000-04:00

So I'm meditating at work again today, and the thoughts are swirling around in my head. Yesterday I impulsively called the doctor's office and was lucky enough to get a late afternoon appointment that same day with a nice nurse practitioner. I told her my age and my symptoms and we both had a hunch of what the diagnosis would be. She ordered some tests. One I was able to do right away, the other will have to wait until next week. She seemed to believe me in the office, and we seemed to be on the same page.
Then today she called me to tell me that the test results from yesterday had come back and didn't show anything. This worries me a bit. If the test results don't confirm my suspicions, then what? Will I be a deemed to be a hypercondriac? Sometimes I think my primary care doctor thinks that of me. I tell her I have arthritis in my knee, but the tests don't show it. I tell her I am high-risk for breast cancer since it runs in my family, but I'm not 40 yet so we don't test for it (I guess the insurance won't pay for it). I hope that yesterday's visit and the lab work don't end up being a waste of time and money. I hope that we can find out what is causing my pain. I worry that it won't.

And this whole line of thinking seems so typical of someone who has been not believed as a child, doesn't it? Isn't it sad that the scars of childhood linger to this day, even as I try to block them out. A "healthy" person would have more faith, more self-confidence, more conviction than I have. Instead I worry about not being believed. I think this is the curse of being an adult child of an alcoholic.

On another note, I saw a website by chance today, for literary agents. The site said not to send unsolicited manuscripts, and that querys should include 3 chapters...etc etc... and credentials. What credentials do I have as a writer? None. That's what. I have none, and I'm not ready for an agent yet anyway, but I wonder if I ever do get the novel done will I be able to get it published? I have a song written somewhere, stored away, and I wonder if I will ever live to see the day when that gets recorded too. I know it may never be a "hit", although I think that it could be if it found the right recording artist, but I hope it doesn't lay lifeless in a box buried in my closet forever too.

Image by zpeckler via Flickr

Twiiter?

2010-08-03T11:36:00.000-04:00

To Twitter or not to Twitter? I do have an account that I use mostly for following others, but I have not really made use of it for posting anything myself. Should I? If you have a Twitter account, do you post your real name on your profile or do you use something else?

Anyone want to weigh in on this? I know some bloggers do use it. Others use Facebook. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to start using my Facebook accounts for Al-Anon related stuff. I use them for work and personal stuff. My Twitter account is open though. I haven't used it much, so I could use it for pretty much anything. Is there other social media that people in the Al-Anon blogging world use? Is it helpful? Is it fun?

Image via Wikipedia

Depressed again

2010-07-30T16:12:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

I can't explain it. I've been depressed this week. Today I had that old thought in my head, the one I have to bury every so often that says "Just shoot me already". Not healthy thinking. A couple of nights ago I felt like running to my room, diving under the blankets and hiding from the world. My daughter pulled me out after about 30 seconds. She thought I was playing "hide and seek", and we were supposed to be getting ready for swimming.

There was a whole paragraph here but somehow I wiped it out. I love the weather of summer, but my work is incredibly slow and although I have work to do it is not the work I enjoy doing.

Image by stilllearninghowtofly - W W Tribe Psychiatrist via Flickr

I'm obsessing about things that I don't need to obsess about simply because I've got 8 hours of boredom on my hands every day. Boredom that will go away hopefully in a few weeks when the fall semester draws nearer. Hopefully. It's not a good time to be in my line of work right now, but I'm trying to hang in there. We don't have disability insurance and I'm not sure I want to put my resume together and try to find something else. I'm a long, long way from retirement so I know I need to suck this up and hang in there. Meanwhile I'm tired, depressed, and feeling stuck.

Inspiration

2010-07-28T13:03:00.000-04:00

I am looking for inspiration today. I want to write, and I want to post, but I'm not sure what about. I wish I had some magic song lyrics or a poem to quote. Where does one find song lyrics about Al-Anon anyway? So many songs about drinking and boozing, but what about about recovery? Where do I find music like that? I guess I should Google these questions, huh? Maybe I'll come up with something.

The kid slept in her own room last night, the first time in a while. I cleaned it first and made it welcoming, and then hung out for an hour after she fell asleep just to be sure she wouldn't wake from the washing machine. Then I went to my own room, surfed the web a bit, and finally fell asleep. At 4am she called for my husband. I woke him, and then went back to sleep. I like nights like that! :-)

My dad has had a rough week so far I think, but I am hearing about it from his girlfriend. He is being quiet and private like usual, not wishing to share much with me. I am trying to respect that, and am meditating about him in peace.

Shhhh!!!!

2010-07-26T13:54:00.000-04:00

This blog has been quiet for 6 days. I hadn't realized that until just now. My mom hasn't left any messages on the answering machine during the past week, which surprised me. Maybe she is unwinding, maybe not. I stayed busy for my part. Spending time with my husband, my friends, doing things we enjoy and not worrying about the rest. Life is too short for the wasting with the other stuff. Just focusing on myself and not worrying too much about my parents.

A nice weekend that got busy as we added to our plans, including an impulsive trip to Keene, NH yesterday.

So breathe in, breathe out. Taking it one day at a time and enjoying the calm after the storm.

Sharing and experience

2010-07-20T14:08:00.000-04:00

Someone posted on her blog about the difference she sees between sharing a problem and sharing a solution. When I first read it, I took it rather personally. Since I have recently been blogging about a specific situation with my mother, I felt like maybe her post was a response to mind. Now that I'm thinking it over though, I'm (almost) sure that's not the case. :-)

Anyway, for me I have a different experience. There are times when I want to blog about the "solution" and post about the slogans and the steps, and the recovery things that I am doing. Then there are other times where I feel it's important to identify something specific. I do this for 2 reasons. First of all, it's helpful to me. It helps my recovery and healing to put it all out there where I can see it, to process it, absorb it, and own it as my life. Second, I feel that in this sharing someone else might say "Hey, that's me too! I'm not alone in this!"

Many of us have crazy mothers. When I was in high school I thought I was the only one. Well, okay, I knew someone else who had a crazy mother but she was crazy in a different way. She had a lot of headaches and was sick all the time. The apartment had to be kept quiet and dark, and my friend was on his own a lot. My mother was different though. I felt very isolated in dealing with her. No one else I have ever known has had a parent quite like mine.

So I post both about the flareups that we have, and about how I am coping. A lot of days I am simply putting one foot in front of the other, living in the moment, and taking things one day at a time. I'm enjoying the little things like a cup of coffee with my husband this morning at Panera, child-free. I focus on the good, my family, and my friends. On some days I struggle though, and those are the times when I am more reflective, and likely to spend a long time writing out a blog post.

Something from the ACOA site

2010-07-19T13:59:00.000-04:00

I said something yesterday, quoted it actually, and I'm going to repeat it here:

"Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic or dysfunctional parents, our Higher Power gave us the Twelve Steps of Recovery."

http://www.adultchildren.org/
-------------------

Now I've been meditating on this a bit. We are all God's children, or children of the universe, or however we choose to define it. I have heard often the expression "Anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a dad!" But we don't seem to have an equivalent for mothers, do we? I haven't heard it.

So this person who gave birth to me, and who has abused me for nearly 40 years is my biological mother. I have never had a "step-mother", although I've wanted one. She is the only "mother" I've known. However if I remember that we are all "God's children" then maybe that will help me to detach, to let go of that fear of abandonment.

okay, that's it. Just a quick one for now.

Detach, detach, detach!!!!!

2010-07-19T00:10:00.000-04:00

It wasn't enough. Giving my mother what she wanted yesterday only led to her asking for more. Instead of being satisfied with what she got, she called up this morning screaming for another fight. On the phone though it is easier for me to step back. She's not in my house or my car. All I have to do is hang up. So I answered her question politely, and repeated myself several times even though I knew she wasn't listening. Then the kid needed my attention and I excused myself abruptly. A few minutes later I called her back and she refused to answer the call. Later she called again, but this time I was out. She claimed she wasn't home when I called her back, and then she started in again about something else. When the message got too high strung I deleted it without listening to the rest. I don't need this insanity in my life.

After dinner I talked to my husband. I asked him some "what if I do this and she does that..." and a few other things. He told me what I wanted to hear. He told me it was okay to disengage even if it means a loss of material items. Sanity is more important.

I made a quick attempt to reach my mother and got her machine, no surprise. I don't think she really wants to talk to me. I think she just wants to fight. Now she is asking me for something she knows I don't want to give her- time and commitments. I won't go through all the details in the blog here. I can't explain nearly 40 years of history to someone who hasn't known her.

One person who does know her is my father. He was married to her for less than 3 years, but because of me and his own personal goodness of character, he has been around this woman for longer than I have. I am grateful for that. So I called him and talked for a few minutes. He is a great man when it comes to this stuff, much better than anyone else. He sided with my husband and said it was okay to detach and disengage. If my mother does something rash because I refuse to meet her terms, then that's her decision, her life. It's not for me to feel guilty about. He reminded me of the time many years ago when she and I were riding in a car and she just flat out hit me across the head while she was driving. He wasn't there, but I told him about it. I've mostly forgotten about it now, but it wasn't the only time. She likes to hurt people. Putting myself in her physical space is putting myself at risk for abuse of many kinds. I'm not the only one she has hit. My father reminded me of that. We briefly shared memories of witnessing her assaulting her 3rd husband. It's good to remember that it's not me. It's her.

So many things in my program help me here. First of all I have a right to protect myself and my family. Anytime abuse is involved the answer should always be "Get out, get somewhere safe." How often do we go back? Over and over again. Whether it's to a relationship with a man or a woman, or to a parent or a child, we keep going back. I am stupid like that, and it's been proven repeatedly.

Second, I am powerless over this. I am powerless over her. No matter what reaction I give her, she will do what she is determined to do. It doesn't matter if I give her what she wants today, or not. She is on some kind of roll and she's not going to stop until she hits her own personal wall. I don't exist. She is just going to go full speed until she breaks. Or whatever. It doesn't matter whether I say "yes you are right" or whether I say "No, you are completely wrong", she is just going to twist whatever is said to meet her own agenda and then she is going to follow that destructive path that is hers to follow. I cannot stop this. I am powerless over her. No amount of guilt is going to change that.

Third... God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE.... .... and the wisdom to know the difference.

Am I talking in circles yet? The arguments with my mother aren't over yet. I suspect they will escalate until we are not speaking to one another. She will bond with my brother while this is happening, no doubt, because she cannot stand to be on bad terms with both of us at the same time. My father reassured me tonight, my husband reassured me, and will probably have to continue to reassure me daily and often, and I have to turn this over to my higher power. Whether it's alcohol, drugs, or brain damage that's to blame the result is the same.

I wish she was a different person. I wish I could depend on her to be loving and kind. I know that side of her exists. I wish I could count on her as being a grandmother that my daughter could love unconditionally. However I have to accept that she is not going to change. She is 60 years old, and even if she gave up drinking she will never be "sober".

NOW I'm talking in circles. You may see more on this as the week goes on. I've said more here than I usually say about her. I try to keep this blog about me. I hope you all see that. I am struggling with my reactions to her behavior; the split between "being a good daughter" and trying to protect myself from my abuser.

"We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally."
.....
"Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic or dysfunctional parents, our Higher Power gave us the Twelve Steps of Recovery."

http://www.adultchildren.org/

And then of course I need to keep repeating steps 1, 2, 3... I admitted I was powerless, I came to believe, I made a decision to turn it over to my HP.

And this is why this blog is here folks. This is getting close to the root of it.

May you have peace today.

winding up the week

2010-07-17T21:20:00.000-04:00

Well I said yesterday that the week had been ups and downs and absent my mother. Ah but the powers that be couldn't let that one sit, and a call came from her last night and an urgency of "see me now!! Dammitt!"

So this morning I dutifully waited until 8am and then called her with her wake up call to be ready at 9am. The mission was to go to the bank to get me added to her safety deposit box "in case something happens to me". We had time for a couple of quick errands on the way, and started off pleasantly. This changed in the bank. Quickly tensions between us mounted, and when I was told that I needed to not only sign the form, but also be in possession of one of the two keys, we hit a wall. My mother did not want me to have the key. This I do not quite understand. I refused to sign until she promised me the key. The poor bank lady pretended to ignore the heat building between us, and the form was signed quickly for her sake. Out in the parking lot though words flew. My mother saying the worst of them. She called me "nosy" and more. Her biggest weapons began with "B" and "C". I hate the "C" word. I really do, it just gets under my skin. So finally I just pulled over and offered to let her walk herself home when we were within a reasonable distance. I continued for a while and then pulled over again and called my husband. We went over the situation briefly, and agreed that I'd be home an hour later than promised so that I could go back to my mother for Round 2.
When I entered her apartment she was on the phone with my brother telling him how awful I'd been (to put it mildly) but she quickly hung up. I asked if she was done with her ranting yet, and she wasn't quite, but she settled down quickly. I let her show me her living will, which I had seen 5 years ago and already have memorized. I let her show me life insurance paperwork, which I really don't need. I let her ramble about what furniture she wants to give me next year, what she wants my brother to get, when she'll move to Florida, and where she might go.... I let her do her thing for an hour. This is what she asked for. She just wanted my attention for an hour. I choked and gasped for air, but I was doing that in the car with her anyway, and we finally got through everything she wanted to say for now.
When I left she seemed calm and okay again, and I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about her hurling rocks through my windows or causing some other kind of trouble. I'm really not sure what she planned to do if I hadn't turned around and calmed her down. Her threats were so vague.
What it really comes down to, and I have lived with this for so long is... she wants to be #1 in my life, and she's not. She can't be, and she won't be. My husband and my daughter come first, and she knows it, and she's jealous. She called me a rotten and lousy parent.
For my part, even though she's calm, I'm not sure when I'll see her again. I feel like she's been looking for a fight for a while, and she got one. She said some mean words, and she meant them, and I'm not going to heal from that. And yes, I said some words too, and yes I meant them. Anyone who has known me closely knows that she has inflicted pain and abuse into my life that no child or adult should have to endure, and there is no reason to forgive that.
We'll see what happens tomorrow. I'm not saying I'll never talk to her again. I'm just saying I'm not in any hurry. I know I was not at my best, and maybe I didn't use "my program" but then again maybe I did. I stood up for myself. I didn't let her walk all over me. When something was important, I held my ground and didn't cave in just to end the conflict and in the end I think she felt like we had worked things out.

Oh, and then... to make things bittersweet, like they were the other day... I went home to my husband and daughter, and in between "I love yous" and "lets get ready to go to that birthday party" my husband asked what had happened and I tried to answer him. He assured me that I was not a lousy parent and my mother had no reason to call me that. I am grateful for his love. Then my daughter and I went to a birthday party for a classmate of hers, and had a great time. Fun and sun and happy kids, with only a few typical 4-year old tears.

So the day ended on a good note for me, tired and happy child asleep before bedtime. My husband went out, as is his normal routine, and I settled down for a dinner alone and some time to myself.

May my higher power be with me tonight. I could use some goodness and guidance in my dreams.

Roller coaster week and my mother's not even in it

2010-07-16T16:10:00.000-04:00

It's been a roller coaster of a week for me. I don't know if it's PMS, depression, or what. The week started with a real "bleha...." I don't like my job right now. Okay, who does? My husband HATES his job. So I guess he's got it worse than me. Then I went up to a nice "hey, I can take Thursday off and have fun!" And I did! I kept my daughter out of school and we went to a big park with lots to do, and met with friends old and new. I got to see an old high school classmate, and spent some time chatting with her, and then later a friend who I've known only online caught up with us, with her 2 kids. Her daughter and my daughter really hit it off, and became instant friends. So that was great too. Then we came back to reality, tired and hot from the sun. Met up with my husband who told us he'd been sick that day and taken himself to the doctor's office but not told anybody (like his boss!). This is the same old thing as before. I'm tired and frustrated, and not at my best to begin with. So I came crashing down from my high to his level. I tried to perk up by going out last night anyway, but I was just too tired and drained, so I turned around and came back home after giving my apologies to the people I was supposed to meet up with.

I need to find a way to apply the 12 steps to my marriage I guess, or find a way to get counseling. I'm not sure how I could fit counseling into my schedule. Having only one car means I can't even get to Al-Anon meetings now. My husband is not an alcoholic or addict, but he seems to have some kind of mental illness. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just normal to hate your job, get stressed out about it, and be the way he is. He's not hurting us, he's not abandoning us, he's just a stress case. Detach is what comes to my mind immediately, but I don't want to abandon him. I just don't have the answers. And I have to think of our daughter too, which I do think about constantly. I really don't think I can put this stuff off for a year, until we have 2 cars either. I just don't know how to "fix everything".

My high school classmate and I touched on corners of things, but didn't dig deep. We are both adult children of alcoholics. We weren't close in high school but it was fun to see each other. Still, even touching on things a little bit reminds me that sometimes those old wounds can bleed easily. They are old though, and I need to leave them buried. I need to live in the present because the past will get me no where.

So I am trying to turn things over to my higher power because God knows I need some help. I cannot do this alone. Step 1.

Service

2010-07-09T14:22:00.000-04:00

Well the dinner with my dad actually went okay. My dad and I exchanged books which was fun. He gave us many more than I gave him, but that's okay. My daughter's behavior was not perfect, but no one was too upset and the restaurant was pretty empty by the time we left anyway so no harm done there.

Last night I went to a new writer's group. Unfortunately the only ones who showed up was me and the facilitator. The thought of whether to stay or go crossed my mind many times over the 90 minutes that I stayed. Whether to return next week is still a question. If I go and I am the only one there again, will I feel like I am wasting the other person's time? If I don't go and no one else does either, how will she feel then? Honestly, I could write at home I think, especially after my daughter goes to bed. So why should I go for my own sake? I am happy that my local library is providing the space for this group, but if no one else comes then what good is it?

Believe it or not this leads me to "Service". The Facilitator of the group is also on the "Friends of the Library" board and immediately launched into me a spiel about how I should get involved with the group. I held my tongue and did not mention that we do give money to the library as often as we can. I did let myself mention that my daughter was still a little too young for most of the programs that the library offers. We do check out books and DVDs and request things through ILL, but we don't attend most of the programs that are offered.

Anyway, being of service... and how we do that. At our preschool we have chosen not to be on the Board of whatever, although we have been offered a spot. We discuss it every time we are offered and have declined so far. We do GIVE money and time. We do volunteer to help out with things, but we don't want to be on the Board. We give the service that we are comfortable with, and I hope the teachers and director are happy with that.

We also give money and items to other charities of our choice, including more than one library. So I feel like we are being Of Service, and as our daughter grows and our schedules change and our life changes there are things on my list that I hope to be Of Service to in the future. We do what we can. So why do I feel like I'm not doing enough? I guess when I hear a plea like the ones I hear I feel a little guilt, but when I talk to my husband he reassures me that we are fine. We do more than many folks do, and I should not dismiss the impact we are making in ways that not everyone sees. Sometimes when we are of service we do it anonymously, and that's worth something to all too.

Remember when you hear the calls to volunteer you don't have to sign up for something big. If you pick up the trash you find on your daily walk, then you are being of service. If you watch out for the kids who are playing in the street while mom and dad are busy talking on the phone or making dinner, then you are being of service. You don't have to give a million dollars or attend 40 hour weeks of meetings to be doing what needs done.

We give. We give a little here and a little there, and it all adds up.

Insincerity

2010-07-07T15:53:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure why this word is striking me today, but perhaps it's because I see it all around me. Today a coworker greeted me with a "Hi, how are you?" I replied back "How are you?" and didn't even answer her question. She kept walking though, and didn't answer mine. Guess neither of us felt like being honest with each other or something. I don't know.

I'm having dinner with my dad and his girlfriend tonight. I'm dragging my husband and daughter along. This is a postponed Father's Day thing. Really, my father and husband probably would be fine if we didn't even do a father's day thing, but I feel like we SHOULD and I've got a gift from my daughter that was too big to mail so we're getting together for dinner. I'm sure my daughter would rather go swimming instead. Oh well. I feel the "insincerity" in this too. No one wants to do it, but we're doing it anyway because life is short.

And I remember that I haven't taken my mother's picture in a long time. I often think to take pictures of my daughter, but I don't always remember to take them of my parents, and I should. I really should. Sincere in that one.

It's hot, I'm tired, and the internet at home is keeping me awake at night past my bedtime. I don't want to work but I can't afford to take the summer off either. Sigh. So here I am, trying, trying to think of something to say because the blog has been quiet for a few days.

I need to be sincere as often as I can because insanity will find you all too soon if I don't.

Thank you!

2010-07-03T21:02:00.000-04:00

I see that the number of followers is gradually increasing. Thank you, thank you! I just got internet at home today, so I am hopeful that I will be able to post more often here, and post more thoughtfully as well. I won't always be so squeezed on time trying to do things on breaks at work or from a library parking lot or coffee shop or whatever. So thank you all for reading what is here, and inspiring me to keep posting. My gratitude to you all!!

It's been a busy week!

2010-07-01T17:03:00.000-04:00

We had a great camping trip over the weekend. It ALMOST took my mind off of my supervisor retiring. Unfortunately the real world was waiting for us on Monday morning. Monday night we had to do the errands that didn't get done over the weekend. On Wednesday I left work early for a dentist appointment and a hair cut. Splurged a little on shopping for myself too. We ate out for dinner on both of those nights. Tonight we're going to stop at the local library I think, and if I'm lucky we're going to see a concert before dinner. I know I'm pushing my luck with that one, but it's free music so I'm hopeful. Tomorrow we're going to cut out of work early to get a squeak in the car checked out. That should put us in line for more music and possibly viewing some fireworks. So we'll launch into our 3-day weekend... Yay for July! If only it doesn't rain.

In times like this I don't read as much as I should. I'm not spending time with my parents. I'm just busy with the daily life of my job, my husband, and my daughter. One Day at a Time. Trying to enjoy things in spite of the tantrums that a 4-year old brings in between. Enjoy the company of friends too.

Oh, and I pulled the plug on the tv this week!! We'll have internet access set up at home soon, and I'll get some dvds from the library or from Netflix (signed up for that too). My daughter is not happy about the lack of tv, but my husband and I decided that it was time to let it go.

The lack of drama in my life this week... Grateful for that!!
If I don't get to posting tomorrow, have a wonderful Fourth of July!

Words of Wisdom

2010-06-24T14:18:00.000-04:00

My supervisor and mentor at work is retiring tomorrow. She's been packing up this week, and this morning we had an "open house" gathering to say goodbye to her. The director presented her with the usual retirement gift, and speeches were said. As I write this, she is probably already in a Connecticut casino enjoying herself. She said she'd come back tomorrow for lunch at least and to finish clearing out. I'm going to miss her.

As she was leaving today, after the party, she gave me a piece of paper "A few rules to live by" and it's mostly for work, but the first and last lines are definitely words to LIVE by. She said "Don't assume anything. Always check." and "Speak less. Listen more. You'll never learn anything new if you're doing the talking."

Common sense stuff, but so true, and I know she meant the last line directly. I do talk too much!

Fake it until you make it

2010-06-22T09:47:00.000-04:00

Well whether the kid was sick from the antibiotics or whether she had a stomach bug is now a mystery that will never be solved. On Friday I joined her at preschool to watch the older kids graduate. Friday evening was a normal one, and on Saturday morning I woke up with a stomach bug and was completely useless all weekend. So much for Father's Day! Plans were canceled, the husband was annoyed and forced into single parent mode, as I was powerless to do much of anything. On Monday I stayed home, and finally began to feel some recovery.
Today is Tuesday, and I almost stayed home and then decided to "Fake it until I make it". I'm hoping by lunchtime I'll actually be feeling better. The change in my attitude immediately affected my daughter who started behaving better and more cooperatively once she saw that I wasn't staying home. Hopefully this pays off, and I don't end up in the doctor's office later on for over doing things.

Fake it until you make it. Sometimes that's what you have to do.

trying to turn this over still

2010-06-18T14:25:00.000-04:00

Yes I've been off for a few days. The kid was sick, but was well enough to go to school. On Wednesday though, the antibiotics caused her some stomach discomfort and she got sent home from school. We had a nice day at home yesterday though, and she wasn't really feeling sick. Whatever demons were in her body had already gotten out by morning.

So this post isn't about that. It's about this. I have several Al-Anon books which are often in my bookbag, but sometimes they are at the bedside table, or on a small table in our bedroom. The other day my husband found my "Courage to Change" book. He picked it up, said "What's this?" and laughed. I'm hurt. He has known that I have had Al-Anon in my life for years. I don't go to meetings right now but it's still with me. He knows I have trouble coping with my mother, etc etc etc.... I am hurt at his display of disrespect. I am not asking for huge amounts of support, but to be laughed at for simply reading the book.... I am not even sure if he knows about this blog or whether or not I should tell him. I am just hurt.

Last night at dinner he asked our daughter what he was getting for Father's Day. At first she just said "a present", and then he offered her money, and she confessed. She's 4 years old. I do not blame her one bit, but why? Why did he have to do that? He's a good man, but that was just another sign of disrespect to me.

In August we will celebrate our 7 years of marriage, but it seems like we are so very far apart. I just want to cry.

And that's all I've got this week. Sorry for not having more folks!

Happy Father's Day weekend to all the dads out there, and all the moms who do the "dad" part themselves too.

One Day at a time

2010-06-14T14:00:00.000-04:00

I see Syd took some time over the weekend to check in, and leave some comments. Thank you Syd! I'm not going to respond to each thing you said, but I will probably comment back on a couple of them anyway.

This past weekend was a good exercise in taking things "One Day at a time" and letting go of expectations. We started Friday night with a trip to the forest. My husband was going camping, and since we are a one-car family, it was a family event to bring him to the campsite. Rather than dropping him off quickly, and running back to civilization, daughter and I went for a short hike braving the mosquitoes. A beaver was spotted, and much mountain laurel, and a deer was seen on our way home. All good things.

In the morning my daughter made it clear that she did not want to see "the grandma with the dead cat on her kitchen table", and she was pretty clear about it. I had promised her some mother-daughter time, and she did not want that time transformed into mother-daughter-grandma time. I respected her wishes, much to my mother's ire. We ran into an old friend of my mom's in our travels, and I mentioned the change in plans. His response, after having not seen my mom in 30 years maybe, was "well you know her temper, I wouldn't tick her off if I was you. She'll probably get revenge...." Gee, thanks for that. Nice to know what old friends think of her. I held my ground with my daughter though, and we journeyed to the south instead of to the north. I took my daughter strawberry picking for her first time. I wasn't fussy about finding "the best" strawberries, or "organic", or anything else. I simply cruised around until I saw a sign on the side of the road, and followed it in to the farm. Picking was hard work for her, but it was fun. We finished before the rain started, and hopefully didn't get too many more than we can use.

The next thing to come in my path was my daughter waking from a nap with a fever. Sick and angry she refused to take the Motrin I offered her. Asleep and then awake again, I finally made the calls to take her to the doctor and to let my husband know he would not be spending another night camping in the rain.

So our weekend went. Taking things one moment at a time, not sure what would happen next, but not getting attached to too many things either. We chose out battles carefully as parents need to do.We let go of doing some of the things we each wanted to do, as a couple needs to compromise. It wasn't the best weekend ever, but we survived it as a family, doing our best to respect one another.

Does this define "crazy" for you?

2010-06-11T12:39:00.000-04:00

A lot of us have "crazy" parents, but when someone asks me what I mean by "crazy" I have a hard time answering. Is she depressed? Is she schizo? Is she bipolar? Is she "just another alcoholic"? I don't know. Now though, I have an example of "crazy" fresh in mind so I thought I'd share it--

Last night we had to go run some errands after work/school and we were driving past my mom's place. I offered to stop for a minute with my dear daughter so we could see the new cats that she just named, but we hadn't met yet. So we go in, meet the cats, and my daughter is scared as hell as usual. Fine. Then my mom is like "Oh wait! I have to show you something in the kitchen."

Well what she wanted to show us was her cremated cat, and all the stuff they gave her with it. She had a cute little "birthday box" with a bow that the cat was in, a photo of the cat, and something else that was the paw prints I guess.

UGH! This of course instantly raised lots of questions for my 4-year old. I was choking anyway on the cigarette smoke, so we left quickly. My mom was still trying to talk to me, and I just had to tell her to shut-up because dd was asking me a ton of questions about how the dead cat got so small that it could fit into that box. We got back out to the car, where my husband was waiting, and then the two of us tried explain cremation to her.

----------------------------
This is the kind of stuff that drives ME crazy with my mother. All I wanted to do was meet the cats, and see if maybe my daughter would be less afraid of them since she had helped to name them. When I realized that my kid was just as scared as always, I was ready to leave and get on with the rest of our stuff.

I can't really complain about the cigarette smoke because truthfully we didn't call ahead or anything. We just impulsively stopped, which is something I never do. However, I think my mom should shown me privately what was on the kitchen table if she really needed to share that badly. She should not have drawn my daughter into it. It wasn't appropriate. And really that is the problem with my mom a lot of the time. She doesn't understand what is "appropriate" and what isn't. Not just with my daughter, but in life in general. Sometimes she does understands and does what she wants anyway, other times she just has no clue.

So I'm not really sure how this ties into Al-Anon, except that examples like this one are reasons why I have to have strong boundaries with my mother, and why I could never let her watch my child unsupervised. She will never be a babysitter, I hope to God.

"Somebody"

2010-06-09T16:49:00.000-04:00

When I started this blog I wasn't sure if anyone I knew would read it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to connect it to my real life even. I thought it might just be this anonymous alter ego thing that I put out there and no one knew the real me. I think the anonymous part is important part of Al-Anon. However that is slowly changing over time. I'm learning to connect myself to the blog. I'm also starting to take myself seriously as a writer outside the blog world, and I'm starting to put more effort into it. I'm realizing that I have hobbies and skills that are actually useful, even if no one but me acknowledges them. I'm hoping to feed and nurture these parts of me better than I have been for the last few years. In doing so I should gain my sense of "self" back again, something I have a habit of losing over and over again. Too often in life I am "A Cute Girl's Mom" or "Wife of Somebody Important". Rarely am I "Somebody". Need to work on that I guess, over and over.

And this blog post strikes me as something that I might cross over to my other blog as well, at least in parts. Hmm... another thing I never planned to do. I hope no one is offended at me doing this. It just seems so fitting to be posting it on both places. The post started as something about "writing" but evolved into the whole "Somebody" thing.

Repeat--

In doing so I should gain my sense of "self" back again, something I have a habit of losing over and over again.... Need to work on that I guess, over and over.

Courtesy

2010-06-07T13:52:00.000-04:00

Courtesy was the subject of one of today's readings, and I took it in this morning. On Saturday I had been treated not with courtesy at a restaurant with my family. I responded with anger, which was probably not the right thing to do, but I was done with them. It was the second time in two months that I had been treated rudely by someone at that restaurant chain, and I feel like I am done with them. Oddly enough, even the name of the chain would suggest that they give friendly service (hint).

At home, I am thinking about that whole resentment thing that I posted about last week and then I am adding the courtesy message. Hmm... I would like to send my husband a nice big "Honey please do" list, but would that be courteous? Probably not! So I am trying to find other ways of communicating. A gentle nudge here and there instead. This morning it was another "Hey, when you want to do that big renovation project, let me know so I can take the time off from work..." I know he is busy with a million other things, but I think he wants it done too. Sometimes I worry that our house is going to literally fall apart before some of this stuff gets done, but that's another story.

So I am trying to remember "courtesy" today. My daughter does a great job of remembering to say "please", "thank you" and "excuse me", but do I? I try. I'm trying to take it beyond that too, and just "remember my manners" when I'm around others, which I don't always do.

Resentment rears its ugly head!

2010-06-03T16:14:00.000-04:00

UGH! Why do I resent my husband sometimes? He's got too much work to do, doesn't get enough sleep, has health issues, problems with his life... and yet... he gets paid more than I do, makes his life look so easy, rarely complains, and is so awesome in so many ways. He's a gifted teacher, a wonderful father, a valued employee (I am not a VALUED employee where we work), and so much more... he's a wonderful husband.

A gap has formed in-between us. I think it started when I was pregnant, and it has grown. Our daughter is 4 now, and we finally got her sleeping in her own room, out of our bed. Yet one of us is still spending a portion of the night sleeping on the floor. So there is this gap. He stays up later than I do, he gets up earlier than I do, he is smarter than I am, has more in-person friends than I do.... this gap.

Yesterday I met him after work, like always since we carpool, and I just unleashed on him a tirade out of nowhere about how he doesn't spend enough time with his kid, and the yard is a mess, and on and on... and while some of it was true, he certainly didn't deserve it. After I'd spewed and run out of words I wanted to apologize. It's not the first time though, and maybe it won't be the last. I am terribly abusive sometimes, and I don't know why. So after the kid went to bed, and I had some time alone (he was in her room), I opened up my Al-Anon books and I read about a few things, and RESENTMENT seemed to be the sticking point. I don't know why I resent him so much, but I think I do. It's not his fault that he has such a perfect life and I feel so torn apart. His life really isn't perfect either, I know. It's just me perceiving things. UGH.

So I am trying, trying, trying to turn this over to my higher power, and figure out how to get out of this bad place. How to stop resenting my husband, who I love so dearly, and how to bridge the gap between us. The trust is still there, at least I trust him. I hope he trusts me. Communication is tough though. For some reason, it's hard for me to talk to him sometimes. I don't know why. Yesterday I wanted to throw out some ideas for a trip to Maine, but instead I unleashed on him about everything else. Why? Why? Why?

Anyway, I'm trying to turn it over. I know I'm powerless, but I need to change what I can and I'm trying to figure out how to do that. How can I be a better wife before I lose him completely.

This was home for the weekend

2010-06-01T15:12:00.000-04:00

I'm glad to be back now. We survived a weekend as tourists in Vermont, among the many New Yorkers who were there. Daughter was homesick after only a day or two, but we stuck it out for 3 nights anyway. I did take the time to do some reading and writing while I was away, and I wish I could tell you my favorite thing, but I'm not sure what it was. Maybe the serenity when I could find it. It was nice to live simply and not have big worries for a few days.

We're heading here tonight

2010-05-28T16:10:00.000-04:00

REAL motivation

2010-05-26T13:10:00.000-04:00

This morning I dutifully brought my daughter to school and myself to work. Then I saw the weather forecast for the day and thought "maybe we should have just played hookey for the day. It's too hot for her to be at school with no air conditioning..."

but really, really... I don't want to be at work. That's the truth. There is a remodeling project happening near me, and the construction work has been going on all week. It is really noisy, lots and lots of banging and banging and banging. Really I don't want to be here. And really if I escape, it will probably be the same thing tomorrow so then what? I can't take the whole week off.

So the kid is going to be stuck at school, like always, and I am going to go for a walk at lunch, maybe treat myself with something from the cafeteria instead of eating what I brought with me. Because when I'm honest with myself I realize it has nothing to do with worrying about the kid and the heat (although I do worry). It's just about me and self-pity and that's no good.

Coming out of my shell

2010-05-25T15:35:00.000-04:00

Lots going on but how much of it matters? A cousin with cancer, a new kitchen appliance in our house, and my mother's cat died. Well, she had it put to sleep actually. Lots of things I could say about that I suppose. Last night I opened up my Al-Anon books for a while and meditated. Then I read a whole book of short stories. Who needs sleep, right? Too hot for sleep anyway. I refocused, came up with a new plan to try to get myself to the weekend with my sanity in tact. We'll see how it goes. "One Day at a Time" and "Keep it Simple Stupid". I feel more detached from my mother's loss than I feel I should be. That cat had been around for a long, long time. Still, it's probably for the best and I need to focus on myself, not on her. "Admitted that we were powerless..." and I'm reaching for the higher power of "my understanding". What if that higher power isn't the same as my husband's higher power? What do I do about that? How do I teach my child about a higher power when even my husband and I don't agree? Sigh. Let it Go. She'll figure it out too. We all do. In the meantime it's about 90 degrees outside so enjoy the sunshine.

stuck in my own head

2010-05-24T15:35:00.000-04:00

I've been stuck in my own head lately. I've tried reading books, and talking to friends, but I keep coming back to the "what ifs" and all the other things that seem to poison my mind. I got an argument over nothing with my husband yesterday and blamed it on PMS. It didn't matter though, the apology didn't matter. He was hurt, I was wrong, and he took our daughter and left for a few hours. I had more time to myself, more time to stew in my own head, not a good time.

This morning the child was troublesome, but he and I were back on the same page again. I'm grateful for this. I don't like it when we get misaligned. I'm still off somewhere though, and trying to find my way back to the present. I'm not sure why.

Depression is winning

2010-05-21T09:30:00.000-04:00

Well in spite of TRYING to THINK POSITIVE, I feel like fatigue and depression are winning. The other night I had a very intense nightmare about an abusive ex-boyfriend coming back in my life and trying to harm my daughter and myself. My husband was in the dream, but he wasn't able to save us from this horrible man. It was a pretty vivid dream, and I woke up crying and upset.

I've been married for almost 7 years, and started dating my husband in 2002. He's a very good man, and not an addict etc. He has never hurt me. Why am I still having dreams like this? Is this what PTSD looks like? Or should I just shrug it off, no big deal?

This morning I am asking myself questions about identity. How do I want to define myself? Am I a "survivor" or a "victim" or "just another anonymous soul" or just "me"? I don't like asking myself questions about who I am. It makes me feel uneasy. How big or small is "recovery" in my life? Does it define me? Or do I not work hard enough?

Enough! I say. I applied my program to dealing with my daughter this morning, but not until after I had tried it the other way and seen it fail. Next time maybe I'll remember to apply it first instead of suffering the frustration of the failure.

I'm back I guess

2010-05-19T16:16:00.000-04:00

Well I did manage to post a few times last week, and then this week I've been rather quiet. I'm trying to THINK POSITIVE and sometimes that is hard so I've been reading, but keeping my mouth shut. Learning to keep my mouth shut is something that I've gone back and forth on over the years. Sometimes I don't speak up when I should, and other times I keep yabbering when I shouldn't. So I've been quiet this week on the blog.

My daughter and I survived the week without my husband, although there were a couple of days when I was pretty late for work. Her tantrums seemed to escalate as the week went on. Instead of getting used to her father being gone, she got more difficult to deal with. Of course I was getting more tired as the week went on as well, but such is motherhood. When my husband came home our daughter stuck to him like glue for a day or two, but now we are finally starting to return to normal.

A week away has taught my husband that "normal" in our house isn't really "acceptable" and I'm kind of glad for that. I feel like for too long our daughter has gotten away with unacceptable behavior. Now just to clarify, we are talking about a preschooler so I'm not talking about drug use or anything. I'm just talking about the whining and lazy behavior that we have tolerated for far too long. I have heard too many times words that grate my nerves "What do I have to do to get you stop crying?? Just tell me and I'll do it!" from my husband. This attitude has gotten us in a bad relationship with our daughter. So now he has been away, and is back, I am hopeful that some of this is finally going to change. I am tired of being the "bad guy" but I'm not afraid to do it. I'm not afraid to compromise either, and I certainly don't claim I have all the answers, but I'm glad to see improvement on his end.

So here we are. Things for both of us are rough at our jobs. Stressed out and tired parents greeting a tired and cranky preschooler at the end of the day... not happy times. I'm hoping to alleviate some of this for all of us by putting some getaway vacations on the calendar for the summer. Money is not plentiful though, so it looks like we'll be camping in a tent rather than living it up in nice hotels. Camping is work too. I hope we can still manage to find some peace. And hopefully by having those getaways on the calendar to look forward to we will all feel better.

What does any of this have to do with Al-Anon? Hmm... priorities, Keeping it Simple, One Day at a time, THINK POSITIVE, Serenity... I don't know. I'm just trying to do the best that I can one hour at a time.

Serenity Prayer

2010-05-13T13:51:00.000-04:00

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

-------------------------

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,
the entire prayer reads as follows:)

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
The Full Original Copy of the Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.
-------------------------------

http://www.thevoiceforlove.com/serenity-prayer.html

thinking of the single parents out there

2010-05-12T14:10:00.000-04:00

This morning I woke up before my daughter. My husband is away this week, a rare occurrence, so I actually had the living room to myself for a few minutes. I took a few sips of coffee and enjoyed the peace and tranquility for the moment.

I know that a lot of AA and Al-Anon members are single parents, and many are going through divorces. I am fortunate that I am only a single parent for a week. By the time I find a routine and get used to the change, the week will be over. For the rest of you though, it won't be that easy. Still at 6am, I was thinking of you in that quiet. Thinking of how I hope your lives are more peaceful now that you are away from your loved one, and thinking how hard it is to adapt to that change. It's definitely more work being a single parent. The child hinders rather than helps the situation, arguing with me, delaying us, stalling when things need done. Little things like brushing teeth take much longer than they should. Fortunately the child also reminds me to hug, smile, and laugh occasionally too. I hope your children do that for you. I know that sometimes I forget on my own.

So often "single parents" refers to women, but it's important to remember that there are a lot of dads out there too. Some with custody, some sharing it, some still fighting to get it. My parents divorced in an era where fathers weren't even considered for custody matters really. I can only imagine how painful that must have been for the men to be broken away from their children unfairly by the courts, no matter what mental the state the mothers were in. Progress for fathers has been slow in this matter over the years. Once upon a time I worked a job that was across the street from a family court. On Wednesdays the fathers picketed for their rights. Sometimes there were only a few there, other times there were many. I have since moved on to another job, and I wonder if they are still out there these many years later. I imagine that some of them still might be.

At 8:30am I could have told you how many hours until my husband's plane is due to land. Since then I've lost track of the numbers, but at least it's on my calendar and the end is in sight. Even though I enjoyed those few minutes of quiet, I miss him more, and will be glad when this week is over. To all of you single parents out there though, with no end to it, I hope you find those quiet moments and some peace. I hope you find a routine that works for you, and I hope your kids remember to cherish you occasionally. I know it's more than "not easy".

Peace.

A photo from the New England Air Museum

2010-05-11T12:22:00.000-04:00

My husband got on an airplane Saturday morning and my daughter and I went to the air museum for a few hours. I don't remember ever going before and found it very interesting. Of course having a kid with me meant I didn't get to absorb as much as I would have liked to, but I highly recommend it as a place to go.

www.neam.org

being positive

2010-05-06T16:56:00.000-04:00

Syd said something about being an optimist or a pessimist. Interesting to me today because I was noticing something of a similar nature. I've noticed that some people LIKE being negative. They post on their Facebook page about a problem or some drama in their lives and they want the pity. If someone tries to counter it with "it's not that bad..." kind of thing, it gets dismissed. They would rather have the toxicity in their lives for some reason, and I just don't get that. I don't know if I need to stop being friends with them, but I definitely feel myself detaching.

Next week will be a challenge for me. I know I can do it, I've done it before. Every year it gets easier when my husband goes away but I never look forward to it. I'm trying not to dwell on it as a negative experience though. I'm trying to think of it as um... a week of unpredictability. A week when I just have to completely let go of any expectations I have of anything regarding my home life and just be the best I can for those around me.

Tomorrow may or may not be the beginning of some of it, and by noon Saturday I'll probably be fully submerged. The weekdays will be challenging, but it will all be over by next Friday night and I know I can do it. So if I'm absent, be patient with me. I'm with you all in spirit. I'm just going to be busy and distracted for a while.

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

2010-05-05T15:08:00.000-04:00

Happy Cinco de Mayo everybody!

I don't know why I say that. I'm not Mexican. Then again, I'm not Irish as far as I know either, but I still said "Happy St. Patrick's Day" to folks back in March.

Friday would have been my grandmother's birthday. I'm thinking about that this week, and missing her. I was glad that my mom made May Day baskets this year. That was something that my grandmother used to do. My mom said she made around 112 of them. Some day I suppose I will be making them too.

crap about my mother

2010-05-03T16:55:00.000-04:00

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my mother asking for some jewelry to be returned to her. I couldn't find the jewelry and my mother was insistent that I had it.

So Saturday morning my daughter and I went over to my mother's yard sale. She wasn't set up close enough to the road for many people to see her, and she hadn't advertised in the paper. I decided I'd better just give her some small things, and hang on to the bigger ones for a charity donation. So my daughter and I pulled in, and my mom explained that the landlord's wife had told her to keep it small. So she was away from the road and trying to make everyone happy. While we talked I poked around. I gave my daughter a bag and told her to put whatever she wanted in it, and I'd pay my mom for it. That kept my daughter busy. Then I noticed something on one of the tables- my grandmother's jewelry. Not all of it, but it was the earrings that my mother had insisted were in my possession. I pointed them out to my mom. I was expecting an apology of some sort. I never got one. I think this upset me more than anything. I'm not upset that she is selling the clip-on earrings. I don't need them myself. I'm upset that she accused me, then accused me some more, and had them in her possession the whole time. Plus, all she wanted them for was to sell them. After a while some more friends of my mother's came. One was an ex-boyfriend of hers. He noted that she was selling a fishing pole that he had given her. No apology about that either, and he didn't offer to buy it back. After his buddy made a rude remark, I decided it was time to leave. Other adventures awaited my daughter and I.

Skip forward to Saturday night, and dinner with my father and his girlfriend. I repeated this story about the jewelry and the lack of apology. My father laughed and told his girlfriend. This kind of behavior is just so typical of my mother. It didn't upset him the way it upset me of course, but I think he understands some of my pain.

When I left my mother's apartment on Saturday morning I told her that our weekend was full and we wouldn't be back. Still, she called my house Saturday while I was out to ask me to come back to get the few things I had left. I called her back and told her I'd get it on Mother's Day. Then on Sunday I drove by her apartment on the way to the grocery store. I thought about stopping but saw that she wasn't home. She still wasn't home when I drove by again on my way home. Then after I got home she showed up at my place, on her scooter/moped thing wanting me to come over to her house. I told her we were having lunch and then on our way out again. Again, "I will see you on Mother's Day".. well she doesn't want to wait that long to get rid of the stuff. That's fine with me. If someone else can give her a hand before I can, great. Not the answers she wanted though. She wanted my world to revolve around hers. I can tell. It didn't. I held my ground.

Some day I will have to try to explain things to my daughter. I'm already searching for ways. My daughter got a bag full of stuffed animals and a brand new 1999 Barbie that was still in the box. Might have been a collector's item, but not anymore. My daughter didn't understand the frustration or hear the anger I was feeling. I'm glad now, but some day I will have to warn her because I know the day will come when my mother lashes out at her in some way. I hope my daughter doesn't cry the same way I have over the years. I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Feeling split between worlds

2010-04-29T15:59:00.000-04:00

In trying to think about what to post about today I am finding myself split between different worlds. That in itself opens another direction to go in. I think a lot of us Al-Anons feel split between worlds. There is the outside world where most people do not know what we endure in our homes, and then there is the chaos that we go home to (or went home to as children/teens/spouses/etc). I think that is a post topic for another day. Maybe someone else out there wants to take it up, be my guest.

At work we are nearing the end of the Spring semester and the fiscal year. The last couple of weeks have been busy. It's almost over though, and I can taste the summer just around the corner. Summer is slower for me at work, and I savor it sometimes. Right now I am looking forward to it probably because I've been too busy this week. I'm not motivated to work today, and wishing I had a day off.

On the home front, I talked to my mother last night. What was that about not picking up someone else's baggage? Yeah. Good words, and I remembered them as she rattled on about some drama between herself and my brother. My brother and I are not close, and it seems like whenever my brother is getting along with my mom, I'm not. Whenever they have a fight, my mom comes to me. I don't get it. So the latest drama is that my mom is mad at my brother and his "woman" (ex-wife/girlfriend/mother of one of his son's). She is trying to draw me into the drama, and you know what? I'm NOT PICKING UP THAT BAGGAGE. Yup. Good words. Practicing my self-care and letting it go. My brother was labeled ADD as a kid, and whether that's his issue or drugs or whatever is his problem, I don't know. I detached from him a long time ago. I tried to save him once. Tried to give him love and support, with boundaries and when he didn't like those boundaries and the guidelines I insisted on, I detached with love. It's been tough love ever since with him. I wish dealing with my mom was that easy for me. Anyway, the problem is theirs, not mine. I love them both, always will, but I will not get sucked in.

I do plan to stop at my mom's apartment Saturday morning, alone, to see what she is selling in her yard sale, and maybe donate a couple of things, but I won't stay long. I promised my husband that. I have other things to do with my life than spend it in her toxic world.

proof that time does not stand still in bloggerville

2010-04-28T16:15:00.000-04:00

I've got deadlines today at work, and things to look forward to tomorrow. If I don't meet those deadlines I don't get to do the fun things. Still, I wanted to come here to bloggerland and give you all an update.

Thank you for your comments yesterday. It feels good to not be alone.

Last night on our ride home I asked my husband if he was going out (Tuesday night he usually does). He said he didn't think he should given my remarks over the weekend. So we talked. Our daughter in the backseat tuned out to her dvd player and I apologized for my behavior. I let him know I wanted to be a caring and supportive wife and mother, but the lack of sleep gets the best of me sometimes. He commented that I have always been a light sleeper and suggested I visit my doctor about the matter. I'm not interested in pills or therapy to help me sleep. No thanks. I countered with trying to transition our 4-year old into her own room. Admittedly I'll still be checking on her a million times a night, but maybe I'll get better about that too.

At home, he made dinner and I read stories to our daughter. We ate, and he left. My daughter mentioned she missed him on these nights when he goes out. I miss him too I told her, but he is losing weight and is happier, so we have to support it. We read some more stories and took our time getting ready for bed. By 9:30pm she was finally asleep. Around 10pm or so, my husband came home. I was still awake, but I went to sleep shortly after he did. Somehow, someway, we all actually slept pretty well. A little too well maybe. My husband overslept 20 minutes, and we were all running a little late this morning. I felt good though, rested. It was a good feeling. The coffeemaker went unused, which I regretted when I got to work, but still a nice night of sleep.

I tried to make my amends, and I will do my part to get our daughter into her room. I will do my part to try to get more sleep. Hopefully in doing these things I will be a better me. I want to be a better me.

Off-kilter

2010-04-27T12:29:00.000-04:00

I've been quiet for the last few days, not being sure what to say, what to reveal, what to keep quiet about. Sometimes it's hard to know these things. Someone, actually more than one, some bloggers were posting recently about domestic violence. Someone said that not all violence is done by men. Sometimes women are the violent ones. I know this well. My mother was abusive, and still is, in many more ways than one.

One of my worries as a person is that I will follow in her footsteps. Sometimes I worry that I am. At 4am I do not feel human. My emotions get the best of me if I am awake. Sometimes I can blame this on PMS I guess, but really it worries me. At home with only my husband and my daughter as my witness, the tears and the screaming flow from me, and in the morning I barely remember. I am remorseful of course, but it doesn't make it better for them. I know this. Am I abusive? Or is it human to be irrational at an irrational hour? I don't know. I do not want to be an abusive wife or mother. I am not using substances so I can't blame it on being drunk or whatever. I just don't function well after a certain hour of the night/morning. By 5am or 6am I am sane again, but catch me at 3am or 4am, and I am something else.

On another off-kilter note, I was in tears this morning. I was in the library, doing my library work, and happen to be in a section of books about emergency care for newborns, infants, and pediatrics. One book was titled "born to die". I began having flashbacks to my daughter's birth, and other times when she nearly died. The time I held her in my arms, hearing her gasping for air, with a nurse on the phone telling me calmly to hang up and call 9-1-1, the ambulance ride, the week in PICU, and more. I silently let the tears slide down my face as I did my work. When I was done, I found my husband and gave him a hug. I reminded him that he was the only person in the whole world who understood me and I was so grateful for him. He reminded me that our daughter is medicated now, and those worries are behind us as much as they can be.

Today is one of those days. Today is one of those days that I am taking minute by minute, hour by hour and really trying to "Let go and Let HP" because I know I can't do it alone.

The roller coaster ride

2010-04-20T17:03:00.000-04:00

We had a 3-day weekend, one of those "Boston Holidays" on Monday. The weather was mixed, and our days filled up quickly. We took our daughter to an open house farm and she was less fearful than she has been in the past, we bought gardening supplies, and planted a small garden. Too soon maybe, but we are hopeful.

The last 2 weekends had been busy with Easter and other family things so we took the weekend off from visiting with friends and family for the most part. It was good to be on our own schedules.

So in the midst of this all my mother called and left a message demanding that I return my grandmother's jewelry that she had given me in September. Now, personally, I am still grieving. I have packed away whatever my mother gave me after my grandmother's death in various places. Some of it I can find easily, other stuff is more deeply buried. I guess the jewelry is buried. I looked for it in the places that were easily accessible and then on Monday night I called her back. She was not happy. I had not called her back fast enough, and the answer of "I don't know for certain that I have it, and if I do have it, I'm not sure I can put my hands on it very easily" was not pleasing to her.

Personally I think this is just another one of those control games that she plays all the time. It's a cry for attention. I hate these games and I don't want to play. She gave me stuff, it's mine. That should be the end of it, but I try to be nice. It's so hard. So the conversation continued until she used the "F" word and then I hung up. She called back, I hung up again immediately, she called again and then I let her apologize. I pointed out that Grandma's birthday is approaching and so is Mother's Day, and I imagine she is feeling some pain. This acknowledgment seemed to soothe things a bit, and she rambled on about other things. Mostly about how great my brother is to come over to her house and make her dinner occasionally. In September my mother and brother weren't speaking. They got angry with one another the night before the funeral and called it quits. It's interesting now that my brother is the "good kid" and I am the "selfish bitch". Oh wait, I'm always the "selfish bitch" and I let my kid watch too much tv, another pet peeve of hers.

Anyway, now I'm upset with her, and myself. I'm trying to do the right thing but I'm not sure what the right thing is. One thing I do know is that I won't be bringing my things to her house for a tag sale in a few weeks. Whatever I had hoped to sell will be given to charity instead. Although I could use the pocket money, especially with our insane medical bills this year, I need the sanity more.

Water

2010-04-15T16:36:00.000-04:00

This is my first attempt at adding some random photos to this blog. A kayak and a canoe out in the water. Their voices could be heard from the shore, friendly greetings in the evening light.

Coming soon-- photography

2010-04-14T16:10:00.000-04:00

Thanks to digital cameras everyone lately seems to feel like they are a photographer. I got a new digital camera for Christmas, and it is finally one that it is in my comfort zone. Slowly I am learning how to use it, and slowly I am remembering to slip it in my pocket for every day things. As a result, I have some photos of the lake, of nature, of things that aren't my daughter, and things that are.

Soon I will post some of the nature and lake ones here. My bit to contribute to the serenity of my fellow readers and bloggers. I am not a photographer, I am a writer. I will claim that. Even when I cannot write every day as I know all GOOD writers must, I still claim it.

My love of the lake, my love of water, comes from my alcoholic mother. My mother who spends too much time in the sun, and doesn't use sunblock, and tans to colors likely to induce skin cancer.. she gave me the gift of loving the beach and of loving the water. I'm a terrible swimmer, and have a lifelong phobia of diving, but I love being in the water anyway. I am passing that love on to my daughter. For the past several days we have made trips to the 2 beaches that we can walk to. It's too cold for swimming, but we bring the sand toys and play. Yesterday we made a sand castle at the "little beach"; on the weekend we visited the "big beach". As spring continues it's quest for summer, I am enjoying these times of serenity with her. I know these years will pass by quickly, and I want to hold on to them for as long as I can.

The child's birthday is over, Easter is passed us, and taxes have finally been completed (whew!). We have some more big events coming our way in May; but for today, for tomorrow, and as long as the rain stays away, I am enjoying the outdoors and being a working mother as much as I can.

Inspiration

2010-04-08T16:42:00.000-04:00

Some bloggers are posting today about not feeling inspired, and others are doling out whole lists of what inspires them. So I'm inspired to write about "inspiration".

Actually I thought I'd share something about how I just get through a day when I feel like I can't get through it. Maybe it will help someone.

A long time ago I was sitting in church, I was a young teen probably, and had a world of trouble in my life with my alcoholic mother, divorced parents, boyfriends or whatever. Suicide was not an uncommon thought in those days, depression was common for me. So there I was one day and in our small little church that I attended with my father and maternal grandmother. I felt like the minister was talking to me, and maybe he was. There were only about 20-30 people there. He told a story about how when you get up in the morning and you just know the day is going to be crap basically, then think of something good at the end of the day and hang on to that thought all day long. That thought might be something as simple as brushing your teeth at bedtime, or eating a banana after school. It may not seem like much, but sometimes we don't have much to grasp on to.

I hung onto that. I don't have all the words to that sermon, and the minister died several years ago, but boy I liked him. He inspired me, he spoke to me, somehow, he got it.

So when your life seems like crap, and you don't have anything to look forward, put that banana or apple on your calendar for 7:15pm or whatever, and hang onto it for dear life if you need to.

"Follow your own path"

2010-04-06T12:30:00.000-04:00

Words of wisdom from my daughter this morning. She led us out the door to the car, but rather than going down the front steps, she went out back so she could listen for a woodpecker in the woods. I told her that we were following her, and she said something like "You can come this way, but you have to follow your own path. Don't walk in my footsteps. Make your own."

Words of wisdom from a child. These are the things I hope I remember when she grows up. :-)

Focus on yourself.

Celebrating with our Family of Choice

2010-04-05T16:20:00.000-04:00

We had a pretty busy weekend. Taxes did not get done, grocery shopping BARELY got done, beds were left unmade, and dishes sat in the sink. The weather was nice, and there were better things to do than be inside.

One of my big accomplishments, that matters to no one but me, is that we did not spend time with my mother. A major holiday, in my family anyway, and I dodged, and dodged well I think. My mom pleaded being sick, and I did not argue. Then when my father gave us an invite to his girlfriend's house, I jumped at it. My father has been divorced from my mom since I was a baby. His girlfriend has only been widowed for 7-10 years. Her children are grown, and she has grandchildren. Although we've met her several times over the last two years, this was our first visit to her home, and only our second visit with her children and grandchildren (our first visit was in February). My daughter had a great time, and I think I did too. I know at first we were all nervous but eventually we relaxed and really enjoyed the day.

My father is family of course, but it was nice to spend time with the rest of them. My daughter is too young to really understand family dynamics and all of that. She doesn't understand that I am nervous about "intruding" on this other family, and I think that's good. My daughter is showing her love for these people unconditionally, and easily, and innocently. When we left, she gave one of the women a hug goodbye. I am not ready to call that woman "aunt" or "sister", but it joyed my heart to see the expression of kindness.

I am hopeful that my father's relationship will continue for many years. He seems so happy, and his girlfriend seems happy too. I am so glad that she sought him out, and things are going well for them. I think we are lucky beneficiaries of it too. While my mother may be crazy, and absent, and my in-laws are all out of state, we have a "family of choice" that is sane, and caring, and fun. It should be an interesting journey.

Getting caught up again

2010-04-01T16:59:00.000-04:00

Thank you Syd and others for reading and posting while I've been away! I just spent some time trying to get caught up on many of your blogs, and although I didn't comment, I did visit and tried to absorb what was there. I'm not a speed reader so there is only so much I can do. Thank you all for posting on your blogs and taking away some of the "alone feeling" that I get sometimes.

Today I had an event to attend across campus. I detoured on the way back to see an old friend who I had not seen in years. This campus is a big place, and we all get locked into our routines and our places. It wasn't easy to make that detour, but I was glad I did. It was nice to see a friendly face.

Today the kid went back to school, and we both got to go to work. I did miss her today, but it was nice to be in the old routines that we have. I'm looking forward to Easter, still scared on money, and wishing today was Friday. Aren't we all? The sun is out, and although the worries are there, I'm trying to think positive.

Be well all.